Zeda Grace here. For those who may be listening for the first time, welcome. (Idk why I said that and my mind immediately went to David Cross in “She’s the Man” as the quirky private school dean welcoming Amanda Bynes to Ilyria but my mind will never not be weird.) For those of you who have been around for a while, you should be very unsurprised.
Before I get into today’s episode on “Big Dick Energy, Size Queens, & PhDicks”, (I truly cannot believe my mom listens or reads my work):
I am positively THRIVING in Atlanta. I love it.
My friend from UNC, who I’ve now known almost a decade, has been introducing me to his entire friend group, many of whom I knew (or rather THEY knew of ME at UNC for having a “truly phenomenal ass. A bubble butt”–his words, not mine) and I gotta say, it’s SO interesting to hear what others opinions are of you. Especially when they’re actually funny and/or good insight that a lot of people never would otherwise provide and they now ACTUALLY know you. He said it was incredibly difficult for people, including his teammates, to “place” me, even back in undergrad. (Validating AF.)
Through him, I reconnected with a pal from my FAVORITE African studies class (yes, it WAS a real class), directed by Pierce Freelon, a truly talented dude who is responsible for establishing and bringing a beat lab to different African countries in his free time.
My friend, also an athlete, and a former NCAA Champion (in soccer) and I have been talking a lot of sports psychology, “athlete blues” and biochemical conditioning and performance after professional sports. He played in the MLS for a few years after graduation, and the theme of “when you stop playing, what are you beyond an athlete?” is pretty common. We also mentioned how transgender and genetic discussions in regards to athletics overlap with eugenics connotations and anti-Black and colonialist movements, historically. He’s Nigerian and our whole athletic friend group, including a bunch of the guys he introduced me to from the Atlanta United MLS team (who either grew up with him or overlapped within the professional circuit), went out to Tongue & Grove the other night, and they are all either immigrants or have incredibly diverse ethnicity and nationality, or are from low or unstable socioeconomic situations, so it’s really cool to hear their perspective and the differences in their lives.
I also got into a 45+ minute long conversation with a guy who plays for the Houston Astros (MLB team), who also happened to overlap athletically with us at UNC.
He, unfortunately, despite being like 6’4” and having beautiful flowing brunette locks, is libertarian. Which, I take to mean that “because he grew up in the suburbs of Georgia, and he now lives in Texas, he can’t quite bring himself to recognize how much more economically responsible liberal policies are, and having been raised conservatively, believes liberalism is unrealistic and not beneficial.”
Or, just like does NOT understand the economic inequality and current distribution of wealth in the USA whatsoever.
This guy is DEFINITELY privileged because he proceeded to tell me, with a straight face, that he does not believe in any social support programs. None. Just does not think they should exist.
He took Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” under the purely misuse for eugenically and ableist connotations, when it’s ACTUALLY supposed to mean the “fittest” species is the one most adaptable to change. Which would not be him.
He also told me that he thinks the USA’s stance on feminism and female equality is “not bad” and comparing it to a global scale, specifically European countries with significantly stronger quality of life and world liberty indexes is “cherry picking”. That, because compared to China, or South America, or the Middle East, we are “not that bad”.
Sir… I don’t think comparing USA’s standards for female empowerment to countries and regions we have systematically destabilized for CENTURIES, through military positioning and intelligence operations, purely for capitalist exploitation instead of the establishment of education, should be the ones we are “proud” to be better than.
Everything is bigger in Texas, including the stupidity.
(and yes, I had this conversation in the middle of a bar because that is just who I am and educating men DOES turn me on a little bit, it’s essentially foreplay. Such a sadistic lifestyle I lead.) I tried to remind him that, with the USA being on a global stage, taking it upon ourselves to interject military strength GLOBALLY, that we should be more responsible and progressive than most.
We should LEAD.
Set the example.
Not make shitty excuses to justify our own incompetence. If we’re looking at the world as a whole, then we should look at who we are actually trying to model ourselves off of.
Ladies–ESPECIALLY ladies in Texas– anyone who tells you that you should not care about political opinions, or is a “moderate”, is really “conservative”. Globally, our entire political spectrum is skewed very conservatively as well. Statistics, people. We just have miseducation campaigns and a political system that benefits extremism. And a public education system which is framed for ethnocentric positivity and complacency. Even with as many courses as I’ve taken, and having such a strong government emphasis in highschool, the classes emphasizing world history or globalist views were scarce.
You should not have to convince anyone you’re sexually intimate with WHY they should care about others.
Keep them out of your uterus, vagina, and body, physically, mentally, and hopefully (soon) legislatively.
It is not worth it.
Money is, ultimately, imaginary. It’s literally just an abstract concept we assigned value to, societally. Look at cryptocurrency. We can just as easily take away that value, and collaborate as the entity of the human species on this planet. Reintroduce and reframe what it means to be “human” and where our priorities are.
Which, frankly, is and should not be being glad our women are only treated minutely better than in places like China.
Bro, you live in Texas. Raped women & children who seek abortions and anyone who aids them now have a $10k bounty on their heads. An education bill was introduced to remove teaching MLK’s “I have a dream speech”, but simultaneously to ALLOW teaching the KKK as “good”.
This is why you should talk to people before you sleep with them. So you can avoid that mentality.
I’ll prioritize bringing some of my “grass fairy” friends on as guests, soon. Especially to talk about the framing of masculinity, their relationship histories (with women and the love of the sport), being comfortable in your sexuality, and so forth. Reach out if you have any questions you’d like me to ask them.
They told me they genuinely enjoy conversing with me, because it is thought provoking. They also thought it was absolutely comical (yet smart) that I “operate under the assumption that everyone wants to fuck me, or get something from me, until proven otherwise”.
Not being motivated, or limited, to sexuality is the most empowering thing of all, for women.
Embracing your sexuality for yourself, because you exist as a human on this earth for yourself, not for others, not for subjective validation and recognition, is the key.
BIG DICK ENERGY (7:33)
Today’s topic, though, is one near and dear to my heart, because, unfortunately for me, Strider delusionally thinks that just because I can appreciate a solid dick, because I UNFORTUNATELY AM ATTRACTED TO THE MALE SPECIES, and was/am a horse gal, that MUST mean that I’m a “size queen”. An identity I could’ve happily lived my whole life not knowing existed. Same with Rule 34.
You all have ruined all of my favorite things for me.
As is the way with sociology, or any continued field of education, the subjects get more complex as you study them. Thus, the thousands of men (and others, but mainly men) excessively enamored with porn, browsing the confines of only fans, pornhub, and NSFW reddit threads, just for their favorite fetishes–thinking they’ll somehow be able to translate that into a “build a barbie” reality, where women only exist to please and serve them (delusions of grandeur, honestly) and they can pick and choose which traits they think a woman in real life should tailor towards them–as if they aren’t all the peasants and not the kings in those renaissance period pieces they love so much. As you study subjects, you learn the complex intricacies that encompass the field. And in the USA, we sure stress specialization. Luckily, some of us are good at being multifaceted just…naturally.
So today we’ll get into a field I should have a PhD for, as most doctoral programs take 4-7 years on average to complete.
Since I’ve been having sex since I was 15, and I am now 28, I might as well have 2 doctoral degrees on the subject of dicks.
13 years of research to share with the world. Trust me, I’ve gotten burnt out a number of times. Took a couple years of celibacy off, a sabbatical one could say, just to reapproach my passions with renewed interest. A real academic. What a truly unsustainable pace that capitalism requires, I tell ya.
Now, by the end of this, I’ll explain that:
a. Maybe I am a size queen, maybe I’m not. You can decide.
And b. Even if you have a little dick, who the fuck cares.
Quit overcompensating by being an alpha male douchebag mad at the world and learn to play an instrument (and get that finger motion), embrace sex toys, or just get really good with your mouth. If you didn’t have the chance to go to college right after highschool, chances are you probably picked up a trade. There is no “one right path”. Sex is not supposed to be just a jackhammer pounding of one’s interiors–it’s supposed to be an exchange of energy and an act two people do together instead of something one person does to the other. You would think this would be common sense, but not in the USA.
So do we really think someone with enough core strength and mobility from yoga, extensive breathing exercises, and an absolutely rabid imagination, capable of making herself cum without any physical touch, a gymnast whose vagina can only be described as “going into an alligator death roll” when vibration is added (#GoGators), who talks about sex objectively because sex is just another human, and animal, behavior, and I’m a fucking SCIENTIST, so no, your crummy dick doesn’t objectively “turn me on” and if you expect it to, I would like to refer to the theme of “supply and demand” in reference to the availability of unsolicited dick pics, buddy. Do we really think that person is dependent on a male for self pleasure? For orgasm? This is the 21st century. Cetus-Lupeedus, get with the times.
Women have sex toys now.
You have got to get like Ciara and level up the emotional intimacy if you want me to think your dick is particularly memorable.
I DO think having an older brother was incredibly helpful in that I was never delusional regarding how disgusting men are.
Unfortunately, I was also raised on a farm, so I have a soft spot for pigs.
We actually should probably reframe calling cops (or men) “pigs”, in general, because pigs are incredibly emotionally intelligent animals. Kinda weird analogy when ya think about it.
My Achilles heel is being attracted to men. A true tragedy.
One time, this kid JB, told my mom, my brother, and a handful of his baseball teammates on a carpool in my mom’s Ford Expedition to a wooden bat baseball tournament for their Legion team, that he got curious one day and wanted to see how many times he could jack off. He got to 14. He said his dick was physically sore, and the cum came out like powder by the end.
Women’s bodies are designed to handle multiple orgasms. The clitoris is essentially a starfish that extends down into the sides of the vagina with 8000 nerve endings. If you’re gonna get on my nerves, make it one of them, for fuck’s sake. Vaginas are also a portal that may be capable of bringing life into the world. I promise, however big your dick is or is not, that it does NOT compare to what we are physically and biologically capable of handling.
In fact, the branding of “pussy” shit meaning “Weak” stresses the capabilities of effective marketing. Much like how men have somehow branded themselves as “less emotional” than women just because they’ve managed to convince themselves that anger isn’t an emotion?? Saying something or someone is weak, or a “pussy”, is short for “pusillanimous”, which means “showing a lack of courage or determination; timid”. Not, a vagina. Men get tapped lightly in the balls, their cojones, the testicular sacks, and look like they got the wind knocked out of them. Women’s vaginas get pounded, on occasion, OFTEN WILLINGLY, by flesh rods multiple inches thick and long and get positively reinforced by hormones to enjoy it.
Honestly, I understand more and more why female praying mantis lure the males to them via pheromones and bite their heads off. Apparently, “males can make up around 60% of the female diet during mating season, and females that eat males appear to lay more eggs.” Our birth rate is on the decline, sexual violence towards women is in an upswing, and the earth is overpopulated by humans. JWoww from Jersey Shore might’ve had a point. Maybe human women should try this since the law fails women time and time again and sexual violence has seemingly been established to be “okay”.
Body Positivity extends to “Small” Dicks (13:58)
While we’re at it, the delusion that a woman who has sex with 30 different men would somehow have a vagina that is drastically different from one who has sex with the same man 30 times, is just a fallacy you tell yourself to compensate for suspected and feared inadequacy.
Learn to love and appreciate your dick, in the way that women are having to learn to love and appreciate their bodies, regardless of the size comparison to what the media you consume and that which is available perpetuates as “the norm”. #BodyPositivity.
You don’t need to modify it through surgical procedures (unless it’s related to your personal health), you don’t need to be “weary” of whether others embrace it, because the right person for you, will embrace it regardless. Internal versus external validation, mates. This is also where the multifaceted approach becomes more imperative. What you may lack, or fear to lack, should be mentally reframed as having other skill sets to offer.
Why do you think Jeff Bezos hoards his wealth so desperately?
Or rode a giant dick into space for 5 minutes?
He just wanted to know what it felt like, to have qualities that were desired by others for once.
Now, the biggest “plus” of having a smaller dick is that you are definitely going to have increased chances to try or do anal, if that’s up your alley.
My friend Mina, from the 2 ENTJ Women episode, her boyfriend is particularly well endowed. Which is amusing to me, because he’s one of my good friends. He kinda embraces what it actually means to have positive “big dick energy”, too, because he’s over 6’ tall, just the NICEST guy–always caring for others (he’s a doctor), never having to impose himself or “assert his dominance”, being conscientious of his persona and just all around very comfortable in a way that would be great for more men to act like, honestly.
Once, she had sex in the morning, and at her gynecology appointment later, her doctor asked if she had sex that day, and commented on how well endowed he must be. She was mortified. Big dicks don’t inherently “change” the anatomy, but it might take a little more time to get back to “normal” purely for the engorgement of blood to the region and how effective your circulatory system is.
Now, because he’s well endowed, she grants him like 1-2 times A YEAR to do anal max.
And that requires pretty excessive “training” or “preparation”. She has to watch what she eats for a few days. She wears a butt plug, all day, to prepare. Working from home has certain unintended advantages men should consider a bit more, honestly.
To this day, only one man in the last 5+ years has gotten anywhere near my butt (the farmboy, a true testament to how much I trust him).
Which, my UNC pals and I were remarking on how weird that was over drinks the other day because, as I’ve mentioned before, I have a great ass, and have dated many men long term. I was literally known for how much of a bubble butt I had my freshman year, according to him. I honestly would’ve just assumed more of them would’ve tried, at least.
The only other person was a boyfriend of well over a year in undergrad who tried to play with it in the shower and I think realized that 1–water is not sufficient lube. And 2–it was way too tight for him to even fathom being able to get his dick in.
I think the allusions and draw to anal was described on a reddit thread recently.
As was delivered so well by User “Darwin2500”:
“Imagine that you are a kid at school, and you get your school lunch every day. Every day the lunch lady gives you an apple and an orange, and then tells you not to eat the orange. So every day, you eat your apple, and leave your orange sitting on the tray.
You love apples. Apples are fucking amazing, you love eating them every day. But every day, for weeks, for months, for years, while you’re eating that apple, there’s an orange right there, inches away, staring you in the face.
You’ve never tasted an orange before, and you wonder what it’s like. Is it as good as an apple? Is it different or the same? Around you, you can see that a few other kids are eating their oranges; they seem to be happy about it. You have a friend who’s always going on about how awesome oranges are, how the orange he ate last week was spectacular.
And you love your apple; you really do. But after years of that orange staring you right in the face, of watching other people eat their oranges and love them, you just want to eat the fucking orange and see what all the fuss is about.”
The orange is your ass, in case that wasn’t clear. Which requires a bit more preparation before “eating”. GREAT analogy, though.
Another one of my friends, who I met in grad school, actually had her boyfriend get mad at her because he said she was “using anal as a diversion to do less work” because she wanted it all the time. I’ll be going out to Colorado to visit her at some point this winter and get her on the show, cause she’s an awesome nurse, Venezuelan refugee, and just a super nice person, so she’d be a great addition here as she is in my real life.
The whole “different strokes for different folks” is so true. Just like how different people will want different looking, and shaped, partners.
Some people really like oral, and only cum to that.
Others need to be a “top”. Dominant. In control.
Some people are just asexual and don’t like, enjoy, or need sex. Doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate companionship, or partnership, though.
Some prefer the submissive route. A bottom. The recipient, for you to bestow the gift of sexual drive into.
Ali Wong talks in “Baby Cobra”, her Netflix comedy special, on how, in reference to strong or domineering women, since “we’re so in control all the time that we just want to experience some sort of risk. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to be sure that I’m going to live.”
And some of Strider’s fantasies I think have only focused on the physicality of this and skipped over the emotional backing, trust, and knowledge of each other to let me want to trust him in that sense. I think this is something a lot of people without psychological or emotional intellect are missing, actually. People need support, comfort, and informed consent to understand what they’re getting themselves into without it ending with feeling like they “didn’t sign up for this” or are capable of actually handling whatever comes at them.
Since men are typically seen within almost every society as authority figures to some degree, they may never have had people inherently distrust them. (I, however, with my complicated past and the awareness of true crime, treat everyone under the presumption that they are actually guilty until proven innocent and a murderer until such as well, for my personal safety.) The men who are offended, or unaware of this reality for women, will never understand me anyways and just aren’t worth my time.
It’s kind of like, how, since moving to Atlanta, I tried online dating for a solid day, before I realized I have absolutely ZERO interest in explaining to middle aged men why I am not going to come meet them at their apartment, even if we both like Rick & Morty.
Your apartment? You mean my potential future murder stage?
No thank you. Hard pass.
I would literally rather fuck myself than explain that to one more STRANGER.
Unless you want someone to actually regret fucking you, which should NEVER be the goal, you should understand “informed consent” and, as men, especially (since society tends to humble women on its own) also not delude yourself into thinking that your dick is a god send for whatever person is the recipient.
“Big Dick Energy” is being comfortable in yourself and knowing what worth you bring to the table–in whatever way. Whether that is compassion and empathy, sexual satisfaction, being able to financially provide stability, whatever YOUR talents are, there will be someone who undeniably appreciates and embraces that.
And because “sexual prowess” and men’s worth in that field has somehow been warped to be correlated to the sheer amount of women you are capable of bedding. (Again, supply and demand, bitches.) There is this facade that being a good partner makes you a “simp”. That pining after women makes you “weak”, instead of “exhibiting normal human emotions towards intimacy”. That the coveted “alpha male douchebag” mentality is sheer force and strength, not “providing care, coverage, and sustenance for your herd.” That you should want to fuck a ton of people, and literally undervalue what it means to connect as humans, so you can’t even appreciate it, or yourself.
Hypersexuality, as I believe I mentioned in my Dissertation style of The Sexual Psychology of Fetishes, is a common trauma response.
I suspect it’s the mind’s way of reducing the prevalence and “importance” of traumatic encounters. Actual BDSM is about informed consent. Clear communication. And because of misogynistic portrayals of feminist facades like Call Her Daddy, a show which, while comedic in many ways, only emphasizes the toxicity and disposal use of other humans, especially sexually, the door has been blown open for men to realize this is a possibility, but because of the rampant sexual violence in the US culture, and their own stunted emotional growth, they’re just capitalizing on the opportunity with short term gratification in mind and not considering the safety and trust of all involved.
Women, largely, are again left to pick up the slack and confront the horrors and pitfalls of miscommunication (Rape culture).
I would personally rather be a Rolls Royce, a custom Bugatti or Ferrari, or whatever other fancy cars there are–wanted and desired by many, if only for the increased quality craftsmanship and luxury and safety of the material, only accessible to the select few who you permit to access, versus a used toyota depreciating in its already miniscule value because you refuse to continue the maintenance for upkeep. I can’t believe how many times I have to compare myself to objects just to create analogies.
(Side note: that Rick & Morty episode in season 5, where the car speaks about losing her virginity. When Morty & Summer ask “do you have virginity?” and the car goes, “I don’t know. Don’t all objects?” AMAZING.)
To be clear, just like in Rick & Morty, where every male THINKS they’re a Rick, but really they’re a Jerry, I know I’m likely not a Rolls Royce. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t embrace my values and take care of myself. Treat yourself like you ARE the Rolls Royce.
Fearing Inadequacy is Human (24:12)
And here’s where the themes of “inadequacy” are stupid to consider:
As I was writing this, I was texting Strider and having a little repertoire on how HE thinks size absolutely DOES matter and I just “seem to think [I’m] so intellectually superior to everyone else that any conflicting opinions must just be poorly founded” (ugh, rude. Not true at ALL, I just think I have enough epidemiological experience and diverse environments I’ve had to exist and thrive in, that I understand “sample bias”, the multitude of factors at play in THE REALITIES OF LIFE, and a more holistic, abstract approach to problem solving and perception because of the epidemiology and public health background. Also, I am literally neurodiverse, on account of the ADHD. I KNOW I’m weird. Known it my whole life. Still doesn’t mean I’m “wrong”.)
HE however, was proven wrong.
(Which, yes, meant that I was, once again, “right”.)
My proof is that this general consensus that size doesn’t actually matter is not just MY opinion. Please refer to this reddit post from the “Ask Women” subreddit in case you think this is a biased hypothesis.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/18ev9o/mod_post_faq_qa_honestly_now_does_penis_size/
As “boolean_sledgehammer” put it so succinctly, “I’m always amazed that people treat this question like it’s some big mystery. It isn’t. The answer to whether or not women like big dicks: Some women do, some women don’t, and they’re far more likely to be turned on by the man attached to the dick than the dick itself.”
Thus, as I said before, just because specialization is flaunted in the US culture, which has seemingly extended into sexuality and renders this false concept that, if you don’t have a porn star sized penis, you’re “inadequate” in some way. That doesn’t mean you don’t and can’t have worth. Maybe if you only view sex so microscopically (pun intended), that sheer penetration is the most important factor for you. Learn the intricacies of the human body and appreciate the holistic value that yours can potentially offer.
Also consider the scale that you’re valuing yourself on. Pete Davidson once joked after his break up with Ariana Grande, that her saying he had a huuuuuge dick was a cold move, because he didn’t, and women will now forever be disappointed in a less-than-big reveal, just because she’s so tiny that everything seems big relative to her. Relativity matters. Frame of reference (sample bias) matters. This is why body representation and positivity is so important.
I will raise you a scenario:
Once upon a time, in the fall/summer of 2015 I believe (maybe 2016), I saw The Roots perform before Modest Mouse at a music festival in Raleigh, North Carolina. The Red Hat Amphitheatre.
Now, The Roots is the band that performs for Jimmy Fallon’s late night shows. Both “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” and “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon”. Questlove is one of the main musicians featured. All of the men are incredibly talented with a hugely diverse arrangement of instruments.
There was one man in particular who stuck out most of all though.
This man, I can only describe as “the mad scientist from the Back to the Future movies played by Christopher Lloyd”. Or as equally reminiscent of Miracle Max in “The Princess Bride” (played by Billy Crystal). He was the only white guy in The Roots, so he stuck out already–even without factoring in the fact that he resembled that guy in “The Benchwarmers” who was terrified of the sun and wouldn’t come out from hiding in the closet.
But when this man took out an ipad or tablet of some kind, and had a little techno beats board or whatever it’s called, he transcended that entire amphitheatre into another realm. This man was so damn talented, his fingers were moving INSANELY fast.
I have never wanted to fuck a grandpa looking man so much,
until I saw his hands moving on that beat board.
The dexterity. The coordination. He had like a solid 15 minute set just for himself soloing, and it was ultimately just a single crazy scientist looking white dude on a huge stage by himself, and I could’ve watched that (and listened) for an entire night. I turned to my friend, who brought me, and was just like, “that guy FUCKS. There is no way that guy doesn’t fuck. And you know what I bet he does? He just literally BEATS THE PUSSY UP. In that he probably plays actual beats when fingering someone.”
It was so effortless and such an insanely unique skill to witness. Natural talent and subjective “genetics” surely help people be good at things, but work ethic is what sets you apart. Talents are, as I’ve aforementioned, just skills that people decided they liked and wanted to keep working at. Turns out, being gifted musically, can translate into other prowess.
When Modest Mouse eventually came on, I began to fixate on the hands of all the musicians. Guitar, Piano, whatever. I realized those skills are so undervalued or unnoticed in reference to sexuality, specifically, even being mocked in the humor around being “that guy” who plays Wonderwall on his guitar at parties. Why, though? It is genuinely fun to watch people perform talents they take actual enjoyment in–especially ones that bring people together, much like music does. The intricacies of movement MAY very well result in carpal tunnel or arthritis, but was also something I became VERY interested in replicating on my own body.
A similar thing happened when I saw John Mayer play guitar at Music Midtown in Atlanta, Georgia my senior year of college. He wasn’t even playing any songs. The guy was just jamming out. It was so hot watching his body move as he played, his fingers tickling the strings. Piecing together random notes into a unique melody. I suddenly understood why so many charismatic women were drawn into the physical intimacy of Jim-from-The-Office-after-he-loses-Pam-picks-up-smoking-weed-and-merges-characters-with-Gabe.
Hence, why I LOVED “The Farmboy” serenading me on the piano when we were intimate. It was beautiful to be privileged enough to have someone share such a cultivated talent with me, and the reflection of emotional intimacy, which songs he gravitated towards, and playing style as an expression of vulnerability revealed depths of his character and mind that was genuinely interesting. A labyrinth of the mind weaving itself around me. Fascinating.
If this is the effect oozing sexual prowess has on men, I DO understand a bit better as to why women were declared “witches” and burnt at the stake for years.
If musical intricacy doesn’t draw you, not to fear. There’s plenty of skills that could be similarly helpful for increasing proprioception, body movement, and confidence in the art of the human figure.
It’s Going Down. I’m NOT Yelling “Timber” (31:04)
Some people prefer to remain in the primitive stage of psychosexual development: Oral.
Since you were a baby, you’ve derived pleasure from sucking, tasting, and placing things into your mouth. Why would that not extend to sexuality?
Honestly, I’m not a big fan of receiving oral. Studying infectious diseases kinda ruins the spontaneity of sexual fun with strangers in a big way. This is also why we should just legalize sexwork and have universal healthcare–so people can afford to get regular testing and have places to seek purely sexual satisfaction. We should also just have legislation that protects known and purposeful transmittance of disease, in general.
(A country where inept nursing staff who refuse vaccinations so they can be the Typhoid Mary of coronavirus would NEVER.)
As an aside, which I’ll cover in depth in its own “infectious diseases / sexual health” episode, the stigma around herpes and sexually transmitted diseases in general is pathetic. Over 1 in 6 people between age 14-49 has at least one variant of HSV. Whether it’s oral, genital, or even a dermatologic skin outbreak! How fun!
It is VERY clear just how poor our science education and emphasis on “health” is in the USA, in part due to a legislative framework that does not establish being a good person as the norm or easy to accomplish. For a country where people still go to work with the flu every season, or avoid healthcare like it’s the plague (oh wait… we actually don’t avoid those),
it’s kinda weird the stigma we impose on JUST sexually transmitted diseases/infections/whatever the current re-marketing and framing of medicine is most beneficial to public health.
Could it perhaps be related to the criminalization of sexuality? (Gasp!)
How about the victim blaming culture where the reality is that a lot of other people are incapable of honesty and/or ignorant about their health and because many nice, wonderful, more responsible (in comparison) people give others the “benefit of the doubt” and are essentially emotionally manipulated into thinking they are “overreacting” or “judgmental” for communicating boundaries or discussing safe sex, expectations in physical and sexual relationships, or that the other person does the whole “what? You don’t trust me?” bullshit–implying we SHOULD just universally trust you, instead of EARNING trust through compassion, consideration, and communication?
Back to oral sex. I obviously have some trust issues.
Are they ACTUALLY “issues” or are they “a natural, justified response to a series of events and general awareness that influenced my behavioral approach”.
I just can’t particularly fathom letting someone I don’t know that well have their face anywhere near my vagina, or butthole, for that matter.
We are not dogs.
I do not want your nose shoved into or anywhere near my ass immediately upon meeting.
Not even in relation to the risks of STIs, just personal preference. Also, vaginas look fucking weird. Women don’t see them. We literally have to use mirrors to see what we look like. It’s not something that just grows in our hand anytime we want it to. A fleshy chia pet. A flower emerging in bloom. A lot of people are never even taught medically accurate and nonreligious sexual education, even in reference to ANATOMICAL BASICS or within PUBLIC SCHOOL SETTINGS. And we wonder why so many men can’t find the clitoris? Tragic.
To be fair, one of my exes (a little bitch boy from South Carolina) did tell me that he only likes to eat women out immediately after they’ve showered. Because otherwise it was “just marinating”.
Yes…I officially hate that word.
You’d think a guy with an uncircumcised, or rather “natural” penis (USA marketing and conservative, religiously based propaganda overlapping with medical care at its FINEST) would have a more progressive perspective on “cleanliness”.
How this baby got through pledging at an SEC school will forever remain a mystery.
Maybe it’s because he spent HOURS slowly chewing and swallowing his food AT EVERY MEAL. (This is not an exaggeration, literally 5x slower than myself and his entire family.) If that’s how he eats pussy, we aren’t getting anywhere anyways.
I wonder if DJ Khaled’s wife could relate to any of this?
However, that wrestler I was sexually intimate with on and off for 8 years LOVEDDDDD it. He had a tongue ring. For my pleasure. Granted, wrestlers ARE known for bingeing on food after they make weight, so 10/10 for enthusiasm and commitment. They’re also notorious for not backing away from a challenge. Embracing and reveling in the fascinations of the human body. Being naturally in tune with its intricacies and, as a result, having WAYYYY better sexual insight typically reserved for higher level athletes, medical people, and sex workers.
I had no issue with water boarding him. Actually… Now that I connected waterboarding with eating pussy, I might make more men do it. Framing it like that kinda turns a gal on. Gotta train these men for war in our industrial military complex strength of the USA, baby. My methods are unconventional but it’s best if they be prepared, lest they be prisoners of war.
Tying it back to “big dick energy”: that wrestler had the objectively “best” dick to date, but he also has significantly more showcases.
Unlike America’s Got Talent, I’m not going to immediately vote you off stage, because you won’t just “get” a chance to be on stage to “fill air time” and set a “minimal baseline on expectations” or fill a vacant timeslot.
This is American Ninja Warrior.
You submit a series of basic qualifications, maybe a short video highlighting your training montage, and I give you the opportunity to perform on the course. Main difference is it benefits nobody to press the buzzer once and be finished as quickly as possible. We’re training on these courses, baby. Lack of mental and physical preparation will be revealed. Areas of weakness may emerge. The complexities increase with each level, location change, and evolution throughout the seasons.
It IS possible to dominate, though. Rewarded, even. Celebrated.
Now, sexual compatibility IS important, and MAY involve dick size, to a degree.
Size Queen? Or Just a Queen? (37:36)
This is where I will KINDA concede to Strider that he can accuse me of being a “size queen”.
Two incidents come to mind.
The first, Junior year of UNC. Coming off a hot celibate streak of like ~15 months or something like that. I was making out with this Sigma Chi at UNC in his room during a party. He had lived with my current roommate over the summer, so I knew a little bit about him as a person prior to meeting him and figured I’d throw him a bone (Pun intended) cause I was having fun dancing with him. However, while engaging in some amazingly fun dry humping, or an “over the pants fuck session”, I noticed that I could literally not feel his dick… at all. THE WHOLE TIME. Absolutely nothing. And the way he was breathing was definitely not acting and virtually any other person I’ve been with would’ve been ROCK HARD.
Now, I’m a gal who, at the time, did not use sex toys of any kind, did not masturbate, and had not had sex in over a year.
I was not about to break my streak, when the ONLY WAY I could cum was by being on top, and riding their cocks off into the sunset like a good cowgirl does, on a micropenis.
This was not a winning scenario for me in any way. I really just could NOT get no satisfaction. I stopped making out with him and went back down to the party. He got married after undergrad, so it’s not like he’s pining away for the girl he couldn’t conquer.
My body IS a wonderland, and the key word is “wonder” because I don’t ever have to provide a reason for why you aren’t entitled to it.
My roommate who had lived with him, later confirmed to me that he is NOTORIOUS for having a miniscule penis. Not my thing. I definitely made the right call and did us both a blessing. She, however, maybe would’ve been a better “fit”, physically and mentally, because she happily fucked a guy with a “baby carrot” the size of her PINKY FINGER, who she met while doing summer research at Vanderbilt a year later for months, because he had other talents he was blessed with and she could only cum with oral sex.
The second, my gap year living in Chapel Hill (after graduating college and realizing I’d been way too busy pulling 3 all nighters a week just to keep up with the biochem course load of 4-5 science courses…every semester and working 50+ hours a week to even THINK about what the fuck I wanted to do for a career, what my next step would be, or who “I” wanted to be as a person and how I valued my time) I brought a friend of a friend home, Fil, with an F.
Fil was a Chapel Hill townie, a native. He had never gone to college, which didn’t bother me. (It very clearly was a source of insecurity for him, though, particularly when you factor in that it isn’t just that he didn’t go to college, it’s that he GREW UP IN A TOWN WITH AN IMPECCABLY ELITE COLLEGE.)
The University of National Champions.
Priceless Gem.
(My diploma and federal student loans would suggest otherwise.)
That scene in Shrek where he giggles to Donkey,
“You think he’s overcompensating for something?”
RELEVANT.
Fil was a wannabe Lord Farquaad, but born a peasant.
In other words, Jeff Bezos without his parents six figure loan.
Now, Fil and I hooked up. It was rather uneventful. His dick was a couple of solid inches long but, honestly, the girth was awful. Closer to a marker than a beer can. Pencil dick, essentially.
Strider actually told me that men can put on girth via masturbation, as it builds up some sort of sheath? Which led me down a rather interesting rabbit hole to this men’s health article:
https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19540387/q-a-how-can-i-make-my-penis-thicker-safely/
Where I learned what “jelqing” is.
Men are such fascinating creatures, honestly.
Why the fuck do I have to be like Elsa and enjoy venturing “Into the Unknown”.
What if all this time I’ve been sucking dick, my soulmate has been a woman.
(This does apply to my best friends, honestly. Go read or listen to the Carolina adventures article.)
Unfortunately for Fil, my admiration for pencil dicks ended in high school when the allure of men who looked (and acted) like Andy Samberg in “Hot Rod”, men who gave up their virginity cards to me, rendered my hand full.
A real “Thanos’ rings” set.
The “JLo and her engagement rings” of V Cards.
My pokemon deck was full and I had collected enough holographic cards to sustain me.
The novelty had worn off.
Now, Fil liked to and was plenty fine at giving head, but again, I don’t like it. I’m not overly enamored with it, and didn’t know him well enough to really be comfortable with the excessive amount of time he was willing to spend down there.
He applied for one job, but his qualifications were better suited for a different fit.
I didn’t “regret” it (at the time), it just wasn’t something I really cared to do again.
However, I grew to regret it, specifically because of a bloody accident one night when Fil and his best childhood friend, my good friend, Darryl, came home to post game with my roommate and I.
(Not my decision or offer, for the record.) Having neared the end of the postgame, I got dressed for bed and went to my room to lock the door and get a good night’s rest. My roomie and I told Darryl and Fil they were more than welcome to crash in the living room, for however long they wanted, but that we were going to bed.
I guess Fil thought it would be impressive to try and lift? Kick? Move? Break? Our glass plated table–which was WELL out of the way and he should not have gone near it AT ALL, honestly. He ended up DROPPING THE ENTIRE TOP OF THE TABLE, THE HEAVY GLASS, ON TO HIS BARE FOOT. The sheer force cut off a fairly solid chunk of skin, but nothing that warranted stitches. My roommate was a PT Aide and I was planning for medical school at the time. The initial blood and accident was fine. Accidents happen. Annoying, but, whatever. We had hydrogen peroxide. Gauze. Medical Tape. Moved the glass back to where it should’ve always remained. Played nurse. Back to bed.
…Or so I thought.
See, when WE, 2 women with degrees in science fields and clinical medical experience, told him to lay down, elevate his foot, and try not to move around too much to not keep the wound from achieving hemostasis, what Fil apparently heard was, “Use this opportunity to track an openly bleeding foot, after you remove the bandage, back and forth OVER AND OVER AGAIN, in your restless, albeit drunken, trek ALL OVER OUR WHITE CARPETING.” Not just that, but he kept KNOCKING ON MY DOOR TO WAKE ME UP, only to come into my room after luring me out, just to sit on my bed and continue to move his foot and begin bleeding all over my comforter.
What the fuck, dude.
NO you cannot sleep in my bed.
I do not give a fuck how badly you may want to.
I want to sleep.
Not take care of someone incapable of listening to me or following instructions or just asking for what he REALLY wanted the whole time–attention.
Leave me the fuck alone.
The next morning, when my roomie and I had gotten up, Fil had left my house, he had left the bloody footprints and CSI crime scene murder trail of fresh blood all over my white floors, and he didn’t ever text me to ask if he could come back over and clean it, or to offer to pay for it, or literally acknowledge it AT ALL. He legitimately tried to pretend like the entire scenario did not exist. Even the next time we saw him out. Which, for some reason, he delusionally thought I would be happy to see him? Or want to interact with him at all? Nah, bruh.
The clean up was SO easy, too. We just poured hydrogen peroxide on the blood and watched it dissolve. The white carpet had absolutely no difference.
~*~Magic? Or Chemistry~*~
If I thought “little” of Fil, before, I don’t think it is possible for me to value him less, after his inability to act admirably in any sense. I’ve dealt with plenty of high maintenance patients in healthcare, empathetically. I should not have to turn on that act just for a boy (not yet a man, regardless of being at an adult age) to treat me accordingly and assume and imply that I SHOULD clean up his messes.
I am not going to act just to deliver the performance you wanted.
You are not paying me for this work.
You are not a director.
You don’t get to redeliver lines time and time again until you happen upon the right outcome.
Eminem said it, you only get one shot, one opportunity. Do not miss your chance to blow. The “Zeda Grace Experience ” came exactly once in a lifetime for Fil, and he lost a lot of things, but most of all, he lost my respect. THAT was some small dick energy.
I’m sure this might’ve set off a fresh wave of fear for inadequacy, for all you pencil dick mother fuckers out there, but hear me out:
Some people with vaginas have vaginismus. They literally have to use and wear dilators, some of which are smaller than the width of their fingers, to overcome a biophysiological response, commonly the result of childhood sexual abuse.
Some people with large dicks (or even “normally” sized ones) have to utilize sex toys that BLOCK penetration. As in they have to LESSEN the size of their dicks or else the partner literally can’t enjoy sex safely. It fits over the shaft like one of those sets of donut rings that monkeys have to stack from largest to smallest as a means of verifying intelligence. Basically “a dick in a box”, only you never actually open the box, the part you leave out functions like the equivalent of a miniature glory hole. A hermit crab, its shell is a physical barrier snugly around the base, offering the opportunity for its lengthy feelers to interact with its surroundings. Or they have to be increasingly careful to control penetration depth so they don’t actually hurt their partner.
Justin Bieber was right, “the grass ain’t always greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it.”
So if you are concerned about your dick size, don’t be.
Just don’t also project that you only like women with XYZ requirements as well.
Sex Toys are Your Friend (Not Food… Well, Maybe Food?) (47:20)
ESPECIALLY in the age of ~*~sex toys~*~!
Yes, I know there are still some states like Texas whose gods, ones they believe are responsible for creating the entire planet, our galaxy, and the cosmic universe, MUST be more concerned with how many dildos someone can or cannot have. (#Priorities). I’m more and more grateful at the symbolism of having purchased my first vibrator in a Texas sex shop when I lived in Houston for a summer. Truly amazing character development.
Seriously, though.
Size only really matters in today’s day and age if you are so stubborn you refuse to accept and encourage the use of sexual exploration to encompass sex toy usage.
Your dick is not supposed to operate on 9 different vibrational frequencies.
Just like women aren’t supposed to lay there lifelessly with giant inflatable tits.
Sex toys are often created to even deviate from anatomical correctness, aka resemble “non human” features, so that it will be less psychologically “emasculating” to the male psyche. You SHOULD be concerned and open to encouraging sexual pleasure for her…or him, or them. Whatever your partner looks like, you should want them to enjoy spending time with you, whatever that means.
Learning someone’s body is intimate, and often requires you to actually be comfortable and accept your own, first and foremost.
Sex toys enable people to explore their sexual boundaries and needs within a partnership that extends past one person’s physicality.
There should simply not be a “fear of inadequacy”, because you can just collect and implement potential weapons of mass destruction as needed.
Learn to trust your gear.
Learn to have faith in your equipment–both your physical body and the gifts bestowed upon you by technological advancements that enable you to “get the job done”.
Also (and I cannot believe this needs to be said), consider the fact that some people might not want you using the exact same sex toys on them that you’ve used on other partners.
One of my best friends is very happily dating / likely going to elope with her brother’s best friend she’s known all her life, and when he brought out his little “treasure chest” of sex paraphenalia, that he used with his last serious girlfriend, she had to awkwardly be like, “yea… We’re gonna throw all of those out and get new ones.”
Unless I see the influencer unboxing video in real life,
you aren’t touching me with toys you’ve used on others.
Not a fan. And I WILL assume you’ve used them on others.
However, this is also why women especially should get their own vibrators/dildos/butt plugs/nipple clamps / whatever your little hearts desire. That extension does not apply to wanting your own toys used on yourself, just be aware you should never expect someone else to inherently know what and how you like things.
Be vocal!
C O M M U N I C A T E.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT SOMEONE TO JUST KNOW WHAT AND HOW YOU’RE FEELING OR WHAT AND HOW YOU LIKE, IF YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW?
Ya’ll burned all the witches, excuse me, WOMEN, at the stake years ago.
Some of ya’ll don’t even believe in horoscopes,
yet just magically expect someone to read your mind like a GD JEDI?
I am not Rey in Star Wars and you are definitely not Kylo Ren.
Learn to use your words, body language, expression. I have anxiety, so I will assume the worst case scenario and start running a risk assessment in my head unless we can achieve healthy communication. Partnership.
Being open and emotionally, physically, sexually vulnerable means accepting that you might not get the outcome you hoped for.
Again, humans are complex.
And nobody “owes” you trust, respect, or vulnerability inherently.
You have to earn those things.
Just because (white) men have typically been granted respect and trust societally, in the way that people don’t automatically question their education, or assume a lack thereof due to the color of their hair, doesn’t mean you should be turned off by the necessity to actually work for it. And sometimes you still might be passed over for a promotion. That corporate hierarchy might be outdated. Your manager might suck. The workplace could be excessively toxic with rampant and unchecked sexual harassment. Find a culture that allows you room for sustainable growth.
At the end of the day, you’ve gotta mentally reframe “rejection” and “failure”, particularly in dating, as “maybe you had everything of value and worth to offer, but the gift was delivered to the wrong address”. Maybe THEM knowing what they want, or need, and it being different from “you”, or different from what you want and need, and are capable of providing in a partnership, has absolutely no relation to you individually, even if it feels personal.
The “don’t knock it till you try it” kinda applies sexually and in reference to relationship compatibility.
Best not to be judgmental just because things seem and sound foreign to you.
You also can’t fault yourself when expectations fall short after you went in with unrealistic perceptions and a human didn’t live up to your imaginary standards for ideal conditions (which frankly just lack applicability to real life) or when you don’t get the results you anticipated, or hoped for.
Approach with an unbiased curiosity formulated after a basis of education.
This is “the blind leading the blind”… in a double blind procedure.
“Big dick energy” doesn’t mean you HAVE a big dick.
It means that the people who HAVE had a big dick, or are just physically larger in size in general, evoke a natural comfort and awareness of others, because they have been able to grow up knowing they weren’t likely to be “attacked” (or “unwanted”) by someone for physicality. It’s innate confidence. I’ve “lived” with a 6’10” man at one point, and one of my best friends’ boyfriends is 7’ tall. Both are the most naturally comforting and calming people I have ever met, likely because they never have felt physically threatened.
THAT is big dick energy.
THAT is “alpha male” energy.
The calming, protective presence that enables people to feel safe and be their best self–not some twisted ego in a desperation to assert yourself. Knowing your worth and value and not having to “fight” for recognition because you don’t have to “compete”.
Being comfortable in your masculinity, whatever that means FOR YOU, and the multilayered worth you bring forth to a partnership.
Reframe your value in that to not be limited to sexual prowess.
Otherwise you’re just fucking.
Or, you’re just a physical object.
(In which case, I’d rather honestly fuck myself with my plethora of toys, versus having to worry about upsetting the delicate pH of my vagina with a cock that might expose me to unwanted diseases.)
That’s not a partnership of worth. Emotional support, financial support, access to medical insurance (LOL, *cries in USA healthcare*), time, compassion, love, general acceptance.
Edmund Kemper, the 6’9” serial killer, the “Co-Ed Killer” (once again, thank you to Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark of MFM for being one of my main introductions to podcasts), featured heavily in Mindhunter on Netflix, murdered, decapitated, and dismembered female college students. Can you imagine how terrifying a physically large man of that size is, in general? Let alone one whose favorite childhood games were called “Gas chamber” and “electric chair”? (This seems like something Madison Cawthorn would be into, honestly. Why Nazi sympathizers, let alone disabled ones, are able to hold public office running on a platform of sociopathic lies is concerning. Let’s please get some ACTUAL checks and balances and standards in place, North Carolina… the USA in general, actually.)
Thinking someone should be scared or intimidated in order to be vulnerable with you should never be the goal.
That is abuse. Not love. Manipulation. Please go to therapy.
The only thing I want murdered is my pussy, thank you very much.
Sources:
https://onekindplanet.org/top-10/top-10-unusual-mating-tactics/
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/ru7iu/why_are_men_so_interested_in_trying_anal_sex_with/