Gonna start this one off strong, because I spent the last ~6 weeks finally seeing all my friends. Nature is healing. (Everywhere except Japan, at least–because are US citizens aware of the rhetoric around the Olympic games and coronavirus going on in Japan? Or the rest of the world? Oh wait. I forgot we blatantly don’t give a shit what happens to the entirety of their population’s health. How could we…when we don’t even care about our own?
My bad.)
The educated hoes are vaccinated and emerging from our coronavirus slumbers of hibernation to frolic in the sunshine, bare our asses in thong bikini bottoms, and freshen up the tan on all of our cheeks and I am leading the charge.
One of my favorite people, we’ll call him “Citroni” asked me “do you just get angry and write?”
and like… fuck yes I do.
Some people get angry and murder.
Or ignore their feelings for years then snap and have mental breakdowns that harm others.
…I think I’m doing well with using writing and art as an outlet.
Citroni also tells me that I am a “walking contradiction” and I probably should not take as much pride in that as I do. (Keep ya on your toes)
The difference between the support I receive from my friendships and those I get from my family, is exemplified by the following: My mom was worried about “what will your friends think [of my blog]” and my friends literally asked if I’d ever seen Lucifer (I had not but I am now starting it), recommended that I watch The Sweetest Thing, and Citroni showed me “It’s Always Sunny”, because there was a recurring theme in our group of 3-4 men that I’d regularly go out with that I reminded them of “Dee” (solely because she was the only woman… I WAS offended initially). He explained the dynamic between her and her husband, apparently one of the main writers on the show, and why the vulgarity and honesty of her character was so groundbreaking.
This blog and “Zeda Grace” is the Sasha Fierce to my Beyoncé and they love that for me.
They also say that “I would’ve thrived as a housewife in the early 1900’s when I could just exist within the house and take comfort in the knowledge that I couldn’t do anything else.” So I wouldn’t feel so obligated to learn and do EVERYTHING, “just because I can”.
It’s not that I don’t want to “work”, either. It’s that I don’t want to work on things that don’t benefit society, disproportionately allow others to profit off of me, are purposefully indulging unhealthy environments and contributing to stress and reduced longevity or quality of life in a for profit healthcare system, and I just feel “safest” at home. PTSD is a bitch and I’m aware of the brevity and relativity of time. Being able to control my environment brings me so much mental peace.
Is it possible that my Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is plateaued at step 2? Security and safety? Probably.
Yzma was right.
I should’ve thought about the difficulties of life before I became a peasant.
I would love to not be so financially insecure too (I’m a progressive gal–I’ll let my husband work after marriage) and rent is expensive.
Thus, it should come as absolutely no surprise that I am very PRO sexwork.
I had a wonderful former professional dominatrix who came across my instagram and has offered to speak to me. She is a regular lecturer for an “ethics in therapy” class at Appalachian State, and conducts panels on sexual intimacy and healthy communication within BDSM. Reach out to me if there’s any particular topics, questions, or situations you would like me to relay to her as we gear up for that. So for her, this episode will be dedicated to the Red River Women’s Clinic, based in Fargo, North Dakota, which offers comprehensive women’s health and is working to lobby against all of the challenges to Roe Versus Wade in the form of GOP sponsored abortion bills all over the country. You can donate directly to their campaign at: http://www.redriverwomensclinic.com
For now, this episode will just be me speaking from personal experience into the economic proposition of “marriage” in the USA specifically, what dating looks like in your 20’s, and the ridiculously outdated illegality of sexwork.
Marriage is an economic proposition for a woman. I don’t know how many times Amy March (Florence Pugh) has to heartbreakingly acknowledge to Laurie (Timothée Chalamet) in Little Women (2019) that:
“Even if I had my own money, which I don’t, it would belong to my husband the minute we were married. If we had children they would belong to him, not me. They would be his property. So don’t sit there and tell me that marriage isn’t an economic proposition, because it is. It may not be for you, but it most certainly is for me.”
There is no difference in “marriage”, “dating”, and “sexwork”, apart from the length of the expected contract in the United States and the feasibility to exit said contract.
Not in a country where quality childcare is inaccessible and unaffordable, public schools continue to be devalued and underfunded, there is no guaranteed paid parental leave, healthcare is elitist and inaccessible for many, we barely cracked the top 50 (holding solid at 49th) for economic gender equality globally, and women’s rights are constantly being threatened by religious zealots masquerading as politicians.
My personal recommendation would be making sexwork and pornography created or used with the intent for distribution illegal under the age of 25. Sexworkers would not be allowed to seek child support (should they get pregnant and decide to keep the child, which would hopefully be against the terms of the contract to begin with), would have to register with and get regular STD testing verified through health departments, have a verifiable way to conduct background checks for prospective clients, and anyone under the age of 25 would not be allowed on the physical premises, much like how casinos and stripclubs are allowed to bar anyone from location.
Why 25?
Because the frontal lobe responsible for “judgment” and decision making is reportedly fully developed by then.
We also shouldn’t universally punish teenagers and young people from taking photos of themselves, though, for the intent of intimacy between themselves and another. A widespread assumption of that will only serve to punish humans who do so, whether the reasoning being they are lacking respect and acknowledgment in other forms of their lives (and further punishing those has been shown to psychologically never be beneficial), or they actually LIKE and EMBRACE their body and it will make young humans afraid of their bodies and any resemblance to sexual behavior in general because it is misconstrued as “taboo” versus “healthy, natural human behavior”. Like Hunter Schafer mentions in Euphoria, nudes are sexual currency in the age of cell phones. Everyone is going to do it. Stop sending children to juvie for it, okay?
How about we strengthen those revenge porn laws so men can stop texting them in group chats with no repercussions?
The current porn industry already exploits children, particularly young girls coming from largely abusive homes with low socioeconomic status in a way that should be criminal.
The “barely legal” promotions. “Teen” in the name to appeal to the murkiness and destruction of innocence, naivety, and youth. Anyone can upload apparently any video with no identification required? “Amateur” videos where it’s DAMN clear the “piece de resistance” was unaware they were being filmed (they’re definitely not THAT good of an actress).
Mia Khalifa has scenes that made production companies billions of dollars and herself only $1000-1500 a scene. She has millions of views, death threats from ISIS, and only ~$10,000 total to have “benefitted”.
Belle Knox had to leave Duke temporarily because of harassment over her revealed porn star status, which she only did to pay for that very same, ivy league education. (An actual human I know dated her, as he knew her in high school, and thankfully he didn’t disgustingly objectify her like his “brothers” did.)
August Ames hung herself after a twitter debate around cyberbullying and homophobia. Las Vegas has TUNNELS where former porn stars live amongst the transient population, because THAT community is more accepting, healthier, and supportive for their social structure. The cover of Blink-182’s “Enema of the State” album (aka: that famous sexy nurse) went to prison in 2008 for tax evasion. Meanwhile it’s legal for billionaires and giant corporations to not pay any taxes but benefit from public space. The average life expectancy of a porn star is ~31 years–down over the past decade from 38 years.
Taylor Swift forewarned everyone on the dangers of contract negotiation.
Of the exploitation of young, naive women.
Athletes can renegotiate all the time, including midseason, yet the second women do it, they’re labeled as “greedy” and “manipulative” (Still not over the tragic demise of the friendship between the Barstool Sports podcast’s Call Her Daddy OG hosts.)
Yet women at 18 are allowed to make a decision which may warrant apparently legal death threats, impacts their entire life in ways they literally cannot imagine, and we just allow it, as long as it makes the men in control money.
Women in the porn industry are often, much like the film & entertainment industry, forced or encouraged to consume pills, drink alcohol, smoke substances of many kinds, and many even “choose” to do so because it dulls the pain, lowers the inhibitions, and they don’t or can’t “have an opinion” on their rights because they may never have been taught that boundaries are okay in the first place.
Women all over this country, for decades, are and have been murdered and discarded haphazardly, sometimes whole, sometimes in pieces, because sexwork as a profession, despite rampant sexual violence as is, has been looked down upon in the same way that your high school teachers may have condemned working as a garbage collector–even if that position’s union and wages were significantly better.
Fraternities at UNC hire strippers who pick up dollar bills off the floor with the labial lips of their vaginas, but more than 4 women aren’t allowed to sign onto the same lease because of the “brothel” rule and only sororities are required to have a “house mom”.
Before you say “not all men”, please remind yourselves that at University of Florida there is a fraternity that does “biker bash”, has girls, some of whom are 18 and left home for the first time for college, ride on the back of men’s scooters, dressed in motorcycle gear, and when they get to the fraternity, the walls of every surface and room are COVERED in porn. Old 80’s porn is blasted on every television, computer screen, projector. Women have to ditch their tops and walk around in leather pants and bras, and will be kicked out of their sorority if a photo of them, even in the background, leaks.
But the school looks the other way because “boys will be boys” and there is wealth involved, yet sororities will punish women for attending a party formally hosted by the same fraternities they set up mixers with.
I would TOTALLY have gone to and LOVED that party, by the way. I’m not discrediting the party.
I literally showed up to the “Tide Slide” event at a different fraternity with 10 cans of four loko like some kind of chaos fairy, and spent the afternoon writhing around with my girl friends on a humongous slip and slide coated in soapy bubbles in just my bikini, I’m HERE for the parties. I just think the sexist standards and legislation are annoying as fuck.
Nevermind the fact that at every university and every woman I’ve ever talked with, widespread knowledge of which fraternities are full of rapists is shared openly. (If there’s that many men, especially young, in-the-process-of-becoming-educated-but-not-yet men in one place, for the record, they all have rapists…you just might not know it yet. It’s basic statistics.) There are whispers exchanged on the public buses. Warnings heeded in group chats. Which fraternities “QB sneak” (quarter bar of xanax in the drink) to roofie women, including in their “jungle juice” and which individuals within to be mindful of. Which men have coked out temper tantrums. Which have STDs or STIs or any combination of letters that may affect your (sexual) health.
RIP to the UNC basketball team in ~2013 when Yik Yak was still a thing, because the identity of which player (who prematurely left for the NBA) supposedly having R. Kelly style unprotected sex with half the school, despite a virulent and new herpes infection, was exposed.
…No shame to STDs, either, but we ALSO have outdated legislation on that which can’t and don’t protect anyone or require honest disclosure to any extent.
If you’re mature, an adult, and any decent kind of person, just fucking talk like humans about safe sex and protection and whatever you may or may not have, the medications available, etc. LEARN TO COMMUNICATE. You will NEVER build a healthy, happy, or well founded relationship on deceit of any kind. I am a fucking nationally certified epidemiologist these things are SO COMMON and would be WAY LESS COMMON or “problematic” if we just fucking TALKED ABOUT HEALTH AND HAD WIDESPREAD ACCESS TO HEALTH WITHOUT A RELIGIOUS OVERTONE.
God forbid we take the fucking profits away from private drug manufacturing and pushing and allow government test facilities, or government created and regulated chemical manufacturing and research in general to enable healthier and safer environments because people are curious.
Curiosity is normal human behavior.
Sexuality is normal human behavior.
How about we make it easier and safer and accessible to experiment and try things safely, in an EDUCATED manner, because people are going to do it anyway, without unwittingly condemning unsuspecting, naive victims from the negative repercussions and threats to their professional lives and personal safety for years just for speaking up?
How about we also stop treating children like collective property instead of the reality–that they will and can be their own soul and person, and not condemn them to the norms, rules, and regulations of excessively strict, controlling households and societies? It’s ridiculous that we even endorse or, at the very least, refuse to condemn abusive, manipulative, domineering parenting methods because of “tradition”, yet then penalize and punish those who weren’t brought up “right” (in conformity) despite being a country sooooo prideful of its “freedoms”.
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How about we remove the guilt associated with some of these behaviors so we create an environment where people can seek help, embrace honesty, and reduce the limitations of the ego and almost exclusively women aren’t thought to be “less than” for engaging in such acts?
Where people can work towards accountability and public acceptance with honesty, instead of privately hiding their actions because “it’s not about what’s true, it’s about what you can prove in court”? (A large issue we’ve seen arise in hit-and-run cases, as it can be less damaging to your driving record and insurance than a DUI.)
In public health, we still use outdated rhetoric on “high risk” behaviors for classification of men who have sex with men, or women who have sex with men who have sex with men, as means of publishing statistical data, yet that same “riskiness” of behavior is only relevant if the person’s partners aren’t mutually practicing safe sex and monogamy isn’t followed.
We associate the premise of “control” with “education”, “awareness”, and “safety”, but only focus on the theme of “control” with reference to legislation.
As far as concerns overlapping drug trafficking with sexwork–the opioid crisis is a huge issue in the area I’m from.
The guy I “lost” my virginity to, my brother’s best friend growing up, died of an overdose in August of 2020. Thankfully, I have not had random ghostly sex dreams but we did used to fuck all over my high school when my father disbarred him from my house for “dishonoring” me, so there was a bit of a concern for that possibility. Same father my mom had to lie to in order to get me on birth control, mind you, and who lost HIS virginity to a sexworker. Same father who gave my older brother stacks of pornographic magazines and an entire floor of the house. Same father who would purposefully not announce himself and walk into the movie room in the basement when my boyfriends were over, despite knowing I was sexually active with them??
My friend, Amanda, speaks on my podcast about sex on E pills and seizures from substance use, in high school.
My sister’s friend from high school, a marine, who recently reached out to me via IG, told me his little brother was addicted to heroin before he even left high school, when he was a SOPHOMORE, because of teenage parties in the rural country, and everyone knew the distributors, but the local community wouldn’t acknowledge the issues surrounding addiction and lack of mental healthcare for an area dominated by military bases, and children were punished through education for behavior indicating these issues instead of being granted education, potential, and hope in environments that offered an alternative. Really just want to give that guy a shoutout, too, because his brother has been sober over the last 2 years and that is one of the hardest things to overcome. I wish him nothing but the best in his Air Force career. Really, really proud and thankful that my work resonated with his brother, and that he reached out to me as a result. Super cool move on his part and I’m very grateful for his transparency with me, himself, and whatever direction he continues to lead others in.
We got one DARE class in 5th grade then a “refresher” on sex ed but never any classes that framed “health” in relation to science. Or even medicine. Never any classes that formally taught any kind of “physical health” and education outside of how to be an athlete and what the rules of formal sports are. Never any classes that actually conveyed what “science” is out of purely introductory biology and chemistry.
Good Charlotte was right, my high school was more like a jail cell, a penitentiary.
Public and formal education doesn’t HAVE to be like that, though.
Mina actually told me that drug use was common knowledge in her highschool, (because, Florida) and she always knew she would do cocaine, but that there was a common sentiment that “you were fine if you waited until college.”
Cocaine was actually more common than marijuana at UF, so this doesn’t surprise me. After knowledge of the realities that everyone does cocaine as an adult, particularly those in higher professional programs or in the Wall Street financial sector of employment, the way we treat addiction and condemn substance use is so classist that it should be embarrassing in our community mentalities.
With the biochemistry background, all I have to say is what the fuck are we doing with the current culture and treatment towards drugs? Ya’ll DO realize the similarities between prescription medications and “black market” drugs are fucking idiotically overlapping, right? And the potential for abuse or misuse is just as strong? If not more, because people will consume alcohol with prescriptions without thinking twice (Tiger Woods, whats up) because it’s “safe” since it has a white label with a doctor’s name on that orange bottle.
One of my best friends from undergrad roofied herself because she didn’t realize her new prescription meds would interact with the one drink of alcohol so strongly that she’d physically pass out.
I arguably “roofied” myself in my gap year. I had NO clue (please don’t laugh, this is just how naive I am/was) that Robitussin, the cough syrup, will do that to a gal. (Shoulda looked it up after the “Jumpman” lyrics from Drake.) Just to further embarrass myself, I had a lingering cough and took some prior to going to La Rez and Pantana Bob’s at UNC in my gap year. Did NOT know that there is a DELAYED effect. Or that over the counter meds negatively and seriously interact with certain substances, particularly one as common as alcohol, to begin with.
Had 1 drink, waited a bit, felt completely fine.
Had a second drink, still felt fine, arguably more “sober” than I normally did at this point.
Ended up bringing a guy from the soccer team, who went on to play for FC Dallas, home that night and… this poor man. I went from 60-to-zero with about ten seconds left of the cab ride. I remember giving him head (consensually) and him cumming very quickly (not a surprise, as I’ve been known to suck a soul out through a man’s cocks, not unlike the dementors in Harry Potter). I’m also pretty sure I worried him because I had essentially no reaction to him cumming other than slurping that down with the good work ethic for completing jobs that the overachiever in me is capable of. Even that memory is blurry, though, as I started to get pretty out of it, which means this same story could be HORRIFIC from his point of view,
And then magically it was the next morning, because I don’t remember anything until I woke up passed out in my roommate’s room, with the door to her room locked (by me), and he was just gone. My roommate was not home–she was sleeping over with one of his teammates (despite dating the guy she is now married to at the time). Also 99% sure I went into her room, locked the door, and passed the fuck out. The poor guy left at some point and I have never spoken to him since, so I literally have no idea what happened and while it’s not a great feeling, it IS amusing.
Let’s just appreciate that from his perspective, this blonde witch who he’s seen once COATED in blood (because I used to get EXPLOSIVE nosebleeds from Accutane, and occasionally they’d come on when I was running in a sports bra and spandex around Chapel Hill and I’d only have my hands to stop it) just took him home, gave him head, then disappeared. Just never came back to my room, IF we were even in my room to begin with (from his perspective).
That experience is also why I think I got drugged at STORY, because it’s one of only a handful of times where my memory goes from standardly creepily exceptional, to essentially nonexistent.
Maybe the commonality of discussion around these topics is why Mina has a typically “healthier” outlook on substance use in general? She’s done acid exactly one time, and had an amazing experience, so she doesn’t feel the need to do it again. She’s able to go through “cleanses” and completely reduce her alcohol intake to zero periodically just to recenter herself mentally and physically, and this is a gal that once won Senior bar golf with her boyfriend (which takes a fucking TANK of a functional alcoholic to do.)
Florida does a lot of shit wrong, but it seems between my friends who grew up there, there was less consensus on the “shame” of certain behavior. The human body isn’t so ostracized or taboo because women are barely clothed YEAR ROUND, so men don’t assume it’s an “open invitation”. Women don’t grow up thinking their shoulders and body are risqué and physically seeing it is inherently sexualized. Drug use is common and “normalized” enough, with the bricks of cocaine washing up on the beaches every hurricane, that it’s only “problematic” if it impacts your functioning “healthily” in society. (Even though I’d like to remind everybody that we don’t actually have a healthily functioning society in any way.) You’re allowed to do and consume as much as you want, so long as you’re still making money, or working a long term career oriented job, but even then your necessity for an escape from reality isn’t addressed in a way to ask WHY you need to escape reality.
I’m not one to shame behavior, either– you just can’t excuse or denounce it universally when you’re just as guilty. You can’t control others’ reactions to your behavior and you have to accept that it may have negatively affected them.
Had a conversation recently with an old friend from home, who my mom taught in highschool and who went on to NC State to play NCAA D1 football. I once visited him at school just to be a friendly face, see how he was doing, and he later indicated that he “could have had me if he wanted.” As someone who speaks very openly about sexuality (again, normal human behavior) but is also VERY private and particular with sexual intimacy, I was so offended. I brought it up recently because he posted on instagram about “fake girls wanting a real man” (in reference to women who get their nails, hair, boobs, ass, etc. done) and I messaged him about how maybe he should consider and educate himself on why the beauty industry makes women feel like they need to do “all of that” (which is fire if it’s for your own style, but most of it is tailored to appealing sexually to men) and how hypocritical it was for someone who spends hours in the gym or staring in a mirror to say that. Particularly when he has objectified me in the past. He got a bit butthurt, let me know he used to do drugs and wasn’t that person anymore, but then I reminded him he is still being excessively critical of women instead of acknowledging the system in place that encourages women to feel the “need” to do things like that (even making it financially profitable, since, again, dating, marriage, and childrearing is an economic proposition for most women) and how that same system is why he had to overcome drug use himself, instead of having social support. Or why he’s still “ashamed” of that time in his life and wants to “move on”, versus acknowledging how it affected me, learning from it, and being able to speak to his experiences maturely, openly, and honestly. The conversation ultimately ended well, as I mentioned he is a Leo and while he acts impulsively and passionately, he can’t be universally critical of all women, publicly, and not expect me to call out his prior behavior and actions when that was MY experience with him.
You simply can’t blame others when your (prior) actions around them paint a different picture for who you are than who you believe you are or who you want to be.
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Change your behavior instead of blaming the other person for pointing out the consistencies year after year, interaction after interaction, when that’s all that THEIR interactions with you involve.
(Chloe from MTV’s Siesta Key could maybe remind herself of this so she doesn’t blame others who point it out, are suspicious, and let her know that you have to EARN trust and respect. You won’t just be granted it just because YOU decided that’s who you are “now”.)
Or just do what a lot of people do when confrontation arises and ignore it, convincing yourself the person acknowledging it is the problem instead of the actions (and long sequence of actions) that they had to be responsible for, because you weren’t.
I know stories of future politician’s sons sucking dick for cocaine (no shame with reference to either of these acts, either, just maybe don’t support the GOP if that’s the case) who still can’t understand the only difference in them doing this and someone from their hometown is that their social class is not being looked down upon for that behavior. Because of who their parents and family are.
I fucked a guy who CREATED HIS OWN DMT prior to hooking up (I bet he loves Joe Rogan) who is now in medical school. Ya girl has a biochemistry degree from a top 5 public university, so because he was well educated, white, and in a fraternity, this was fine. I walk into a room and see a beautiful set up of Erlenmeyer flasks, distillation techniques? The nostalgia. Brings me right back to orgo lab when my lab partner was so introverted and terrified of me, it took him over 2 months for him to actually speak. (I’ve always been aware of my effect on men.)
I actually think, had I smoked weed a little sooner, I would’ve done better in my biochem classes because it helps me visualize and genuinely understand the molecular basis for the interactions better. I can view the chemical reactions as art, my mind creating mental visuals of the text and photographs in a way that better helps me adjust for the way I learn with ADHD.
My grander point is that we view criminality differently based on the socioeconomic status and location it is occurring in and when we’re creating legislation, we really can’t do this. We also shouldn’t have such a lack of progressive federal reform that we have thousands of people still incarcerated for nonviolent marijuana offenses while Wall Streeters hold stock in those, now legal, industries. We also shouldn’t require you to leave your state in order to access a natural, herbal remedy you can grow yourself that is less dangerous and addictive than the federally legal drugs that treat the same symptoms.
Drugs and sex work have always overlapped in the eyes of the US government.
I’m sure that would still continue with legalization, to some degree, though I currently can’t understand why certain stripclubs are required to NOT sell alcohol if full nudity is involved, and other states have BYOB laws. Saw a reddit comment recently that actually specified, with corporate growth in the USA, the main difference in townships is the nuance towards sex work, so if you REALLY want to experience the differences in states rights, to go to strip clubs in every town you visit. I’ll have to remember that.
Penalties for drug and rape trafficking and violence towards women should be undeniably severe enough to deter such behavior–including involving castration or removal of reproductive and sexual abilities permanently for those who continue to do so. We have to make comprehensive sexual education the norm for that to be relevant, though, and not make your knowledge of this within a nation so subjective around the basis of outdated bullshit Republican ideologies that affect everyone within the state, but especially women, and negatively impact those who seek help. And if you think it is “insane” to require forced vasectomies or medical castration, yet also will women, or children, to carry their rapist’s DNA to term, then you are protecting the abusers and not the victims. You don’t actually endorse bodily autonomy or public safety.
One of my friends had her family stalked by an exotic dancer’s child who sought out her biological dad’s acknowledgement. (Her father had fucked a stripper, basically.) The terror and horror a teenage girl had to go through–including being worried about being targeted through potential gun violence over a decision her FATHER made YEARS ago is disgusting. And all that kid wanted was to find out why he was discarded.
If sexwork was legal, this could’ve easily been avoided through the terms of the contract. Children won’t grow up thinking they aren’t wanted, or were a property investment to “Secure the bag” (I’m looking at you–MTV’s Siesta Key subreddit because why the FUCK do you FLAUNT Alyssa for this? That is the grossest rhetoric in all.) There would be foundations created to financially support sexworkers who decided to keep the children if a tryst did result in pregnancy. Men wouldn’t be able to complain about women “tricking” them into the financial obligation of child support, all while simultaneously thinking buying a gal a $5 drink at a college bar of watered down vodka entitles you to sex and then not understanding the repercussions of casual sex.
Acting like it is solely the woman’s responsibility to have birth control while making women’s health second choice, inaccessible, expensive, and a burden to access or need accommodations for.
We should be paying anyone under the age of 30 to NOT have children. Yes, just like welfare. An incentive for NOT being baby machines (Gilead would NEVER.) And yes, women with multiple children on welfare should be required to undergo birth control/ medical procedures but we should also address worker’s rights and a living wage while we’re at it. And maybe require forced sterilization for men who impregnate multiple women without having the economic means of providing for potential children so they stop fucking breeding and acting like their genetics are a gift to the world. (We should also look into the regulations surrounding sperm and egg donation while we’re at it, because there is a lot of misdirection around the human breeding programs in the USA with less direction than the animal breeding programs governed by the USDA.)
As a reminder, when Colorado introduced IUD insertion for teenage girls without requiring parental consent, teen pregnancy dropped significantly.
Yet, last week the valedictorian of a Texas high school scrapped her graduation speech in favor of addressing the “heart beat bill” effectively banning abortion for all women in Texas.
There were about 9 girls in my graduating class who, through religious indoctrination, felt it was their duty to carry those children to term. They were seen to have less potential for the decades of life they had left than an unborn mass of cells was seen. Another life became a “savior” for them–which MAY very well be true, but knowing the lack of access to healthcare and religious overtones in the area I grew up in is just sad. Time and time again, women become the burdens of society’s inability to account for them. They are told their lives are worthless, yet should revolve around bringing forth more life…a life that may actually “do” something… and that is the sole and main purpose intended for them. Even if you love your children, and you needed them, this is NOT fair in the modern age (nor was it fair ever). We are condemning women, teenage girls, children, to the misgivings and misdirection of their parents, claiming them to not be responsible enough to make their own decisions yet then bestowing upon them a nightmarish gift in that they should be responsible for the decisions and livelihood of another’s life.
And then we punish them when they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.
When none of us know what the fuck we’re doing.
One of my friends didn’t know or show that she was pregnant until 4-5 months along and she is over 30 years old. We kayaked ten miles with her now small child just growing from a mass of cells in her uterus. She had a day or two of morning sickness, which she attributed to drinking, and frequently missed periods as is, so she literally DID NOT KNOW or have any indication she was pregnant. Thankfully, her and her boyfriend have been together for almost a decade now, so they were in a position where this wasn’t completely detrimental to their mutual wellbeing. And that child is being brought up in one of the most loving homes I’ve seen, with parents committed and cognizant of breaking the cycles they were subjected to.
A friend of mine has driven her best friend to the abortion clinic and paid for her abortion while they were both high schoolers in North Carolina. Actions she could be legally prosecuted for in the state of Texas, now. The same abortion clinic who protestors would park in my apartment complex’s lot, only to walk over and harass individuals seeking medical care. Could you imagine how quickly this would be reduced if those same protestors were outside condemning former president Donald Trump’s use of stem cell research as therapeutic treatment for coronavirus instead of holding candlelight vigils for his recovery and eagerly awaiting his decrepit parade of virulent exposure in armored vehicles because he got “bored” of his lavish hospital suite? This wouldn’t even have to be a discussion.
(33:37)
We shouldn’t have to exhaust resources and keep women in cycles of debt and violence because the law doesn’t protect them in any way and people are allowed to ignorantly and purposefully impose their spiritual idiocy onto others.
Women aren’t even taught or knowledgeable about our own bodies because they are framed as taboo and learning about them is met with negative connotation (in part because it exacerbates the reality of just how poor treatment of women in the USA is). Did you know that women who agree to allow medical students to partake in their care, in MANY states, are also (unknowingly) agreeing to unnecessary invasive procedures WHILE UNDER ANESTHESIA. And women, especially black women, weren’t given anesthesia for many procedures historically. Children even commonly weren’t numbed for suturing, in part because we just assumed they would “forget” or never realize this was NOT APPROPRIATE. This would NEVER be the case for how we treat fully grown, educated men.
But women’s health is secondary to “health”.
Women’s, sexual, reproductive, mental health is ultimately just “health”. And WHY would a country without universal healthcare want to appropriately frame “health” in any context if it requires diminished profit margins for shit “leaders” in our economy? We would NEVER sit there and tell people they’ve reached “peak physical health” and can just “stop” devoting time to work on it. That they shouldn’t prioritize it. That there isn’t nutrition, stretching, sleep, or SOMETHING they can improve upon even if they physically feel okay.
We frame panic attacks and anxiety so negatively, so preventable, yet wouldn’t dare accuse someone who suffered an aneurysm or cardiac event from not “having done all they could”, ultimately just by assuming there are some things “out of your hands” and others “within your control”. Even though the very nature of why many people seek access for mental health is because others are imposing unhealthy behavior onto them that is beyond their control.
As long as it’s the government, we encourage and allow it to continue, though?
We don’t teach comprehensive health, not just comprehensive sexual health, because we keep individuals subservient to outdated conservative norms by not.
My friends and I were remarking on whether our skeletons are STILL changing–because we recently had to size up our clothes, yet our actual bodies haven’t really changed so much as our hips are getting wider. The only reason we even knew was because of 6 years of advanced schooling in a health degree and Mina sews her own clothes, so she measures herself, and could confirm that her hips are skeletally wider. But we shove 26 year olds with disordered eating on television screens to play high schoolers and expect the adolescents to connect that these are unrealistic beauty standards. We tax the shit out of feminine care products or just add it to the unreasonably marked up costs for women’s marketing, clothing, healthcare in general.
And even still, largely white men elected to Republican governments are allowed to impact legislation in a way that negatively affects women, all of the women, who may have been born into or live in the state they govern despite not believing their idiocy, all while simultaneously going to war on the basis of other culture’s treatment towards women. The hypocrisy is surreal. It’s actually maddening. It should not be allowed.
Leadership should be fucking better than that.
Kanye West wrote a song about women being nothing but gold diggers then married a woman who paid off $53 million in debt for him–money she made resulting from the legal nuances of largely pornographic work. Is it any different because she was dating the man in the video at the time?
Projection is a powerful bitch.
Karma is a bigger one.
(Can Kris Jenner be everyone’s momager, please?)
I went to the University of Florida for graduate school. I can tell you right now the “sugar baby” lifestyle is huge, and common. ESPECIALLY amongst sorority women. The “cheap” end is $100-500 per hour of their time, many of which doesn’t involve or include sex at all. (I have a friend who is actually a married lesbian and she would go meet old white men in Orlando at the Cheesecake Factory and get $1000-1500 just to meet for dinner.) #RedistributeThatWealthGirllllllll
If your children are fucking men for hotel room spots or the potential for away and date weekends through their fraternities, that’s basically sexwork. (And all of your children are doing it.)
My best friend was invited to a fraternity formal in undergrad and the guy was disappointed that she was a virgin and LITERALLY SAID, “well, there goes my weekend.” This guy didn’t know her at all, he’d merely played a few games of beer pong against us, so I’m not sure why he thought she should inherently want to fuck him without knowing anything about him, but he still felt entitled to sex? (He was a “nice” guy too because he didn’t uninvite her or sexually coerce her.)
Had another gal friend get flown out to Israel to visit a guy she was talking to there, who paid for half her plane ticket. Sexwork.
(38:18)
Dating is the premise to marriage and marriage is undeniably an economic proposition in the United States. With that being the case, how can we dare to condemn sex work?
Drake said if he drops $10k on a gal to not think anything of it and I’m just tryna find a man to buy me the new Joah Brown and Alo Yoga clothing collections.
All we do is make life more difficult for women by pretending like sexwork isn’t or shouldn’t be legal.
At age 18, I was supposed to be tasked with escorting an Australian diplomat’s 26 year old son around Washington, D.C. for a weekend. Because I wasn’t getting paid, I was expected to be thankful for “the opportunity”. I refused to do so, because I found it creepy that a 26 year old would ever want to hang out with an 18 year old, however “innocently” and couldn’t fathom what I would be able to talk about. I would rather go to the museums myself, thank you very much. At 28, I find it creepier in the current societal context. My mom has a 10+ year age gap between her and her siblings, though, (as she was an “accident” born in Italy while my grandfather was stationed overseas) and is 12 years younger than my stepfather, so the potential for a future marriage or romantic compatibility wasn’t considered negatively in the same way formal sexwork is viewed. Because of the legality of the contract.
My piece of shit ex had a groupchat with “him and the boys” (this is the Orlando CPA with multiple degrees who now manages his own Fidelity related firm and raped me in my sleep) where his male friends, including ones with girlfriends they are now engaged/married to, asked HIM if they should “stop in Gainesville and service [me]” when I was emotionally conflicted about our relationship and not interested in sex while I was working through that.
A few years ago, I had another guy that I regularly hooked up with from UF who, when I was in Tampa for a gals trip weekend, hit me up. We regularly sexted, exchanged nudes, and had been doing so for years with plenty of shared sexual chemistry and experiences previously. He got a hotel room, since he lived at home, fucked me and came in about a minute. (His sex tape would’ve been a tik tok), and then he left (which I later found out was to go on a date with his now-girlfriend who I only found out about after he finally posted her a YEAR into their relationship while he was STILL in contact with me.) I wouldn’t have cared as much if I had been paid, to be honest. But him leaving me there made me so worried about whether I was being filmed, secretly, whether his excessive neatness and minimalist lifestyle was a predisposition to his original plans of actually murdering me there, to which he may have chickened out. I felt so used and disgusted. Because that isn’t what I signed up for.
If you wonder why every woman knows another woman who has been raped, but men seem to not know any rapists, it’s because it’s not enough of a reason for them to distance themselves from them. It’s because they excuse the behavior. It’s because they themselves know or remember instances of murky territory that condemning their friends might highlight and they’re aware themselves of just how at risk they are for the same “accusations” which comes down to not being aware of or respecting other people’s personal boundaries.
…Yet sexwork is still illegal and women commonly aren’t able to report events when they happen because of the legal nuances and discrepancy around consent and evidence. Comprehensive sexual education isn’t required.
Yet women, people coming forward years later, are the ones being “dramatic”.
When I was 21, I worked at MD Anderson in Houston, Texas doing advanced stage head & neck and thoracic oncological work. I was working 14 hour days of unpaid research “experience”, which was a great opportunity, but nevertheless involved me staying at my biological dad’s friend’s house and being in a very tight spot financially. This friend, a man in his late 30’s (maybe early 40’s at the time), was dating a 23 year old with a slender bodily build and long blonde hair, much like my own, who would not let him stay at the house with me because she felt threatened. I did not know he was dating someone so similar to me, physically, until I was there. I don’t think I would’ve felt comfortable, had I known–even if he had given me his BMW to drive, had a pool with a motor so you could swim laps in place, and I received free lodging. She had fake, large tits though (and I do not), so he saw her as more “sexually mature”. A “very different age”. Because she was coerced by the beauty industry and media representation for women to cater and prioritize physical appearance and comfort for the male gaze, not for her own beneficial wellbeing. That was a “good” thing, to him.
While we’re on the subject of Texas–you’re not allowed to own more than 6 dildos but stripclubs are free for alls because “god forbid” we include government legislation like those in the DMV (DC, Maryland, Virginia) which involve pasties (not complete nudity), not being able to touch without clear consent, and allow women to engage in this line of work in healthier and safer contexts where they can actually report violations and have security.
Don’t know why lack of government regulations has to kill so many people before we just simply stop allowing it and allowing people to abuse public government positions of “power”, but we’re still not investigating the fucking insurrection and attempt to dismantle democracy so fuck your ethics.
I was paraded around military bases before I was 18 years old, beating marines and navy seals in physical competitions just to “prove women could”. Military men who were interested in my eventual “coming of marriage age” status to be able to make a formal proposition, waited patiently and were seen as “noble”.
Men in general still embrace the antiquated idea of asking fathers for their daughter’s hand in marriage, before they even ask the woman herself, because the priority of a woman’s sovereignty is never for it to be her own.
Considering marriage–It might strike you as shocking, but I can’t WAIT for the day I get to take my husband’s last name. To get rid of my biological father’s? Fucking RIGHT. Sign me up. I actually considered going back to my mother’s maiden name, and the only reason I haven’t yet is I have published research in Nature, a huge scientific publication, and it would be annoying to have to reference 3 names I went by on tax and legal documentation for the rest of my life. A small gift for whatever man dares the risk and lives a lifetime of partnership with me. A token of my gratitude. A truly progressive gal.
(44:33)
To summarize my issues with the current illegality of sexwork, I’d like to pose the following scenarios for you:
In a country where women in the workforce is at a 33 year all time low, in part because a pandemic required the “burden” of childcare to fall largely onto women, who also happen to make up the majority of the educator’s workforce (glorified babysitting in the public school sector for less than $35,000 per year), as 76% are female, how dare we condemn a profession aimed at reducing sexual repression and meeting the sexual needs, healthy needs, of others and allows redistribution of wealth into female pockets. (Which we all know they want to keep from us in a variety of literary contexts, anyways.)
In a country that has not ratified the U.N.’s Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women, despite having been involved with drafting that legislation, and openly criticizing and engaging in warfare with Iran, Sudan, and Somalia–other countries where we criticize the lack of progressive legislation directed at women empowerment specifically, it’s a bit hypocritical.
In a country where child marriage is allowed, even though the vast extent of those involve girls being “allowed” to marry their rapists, as the majority of those cases involve older men preying on TEENAGERS. CHILDREN. YOUNG GIRLS. Where parents can make those decisions for female children and we can force young girls to be responsible for another’s life yet not allow them to dictate their own, this should be criminal.
In a country where my boyfriend, a junior in a top 5 public university at the time, was allowed to specifically vocalize that he was “clean”, even though he had never had ANY kind of sexual health testing, engaged in numerous sexual encounters without protection of any kind, and people under the age of 24 account for over 60% of chlamydia diagnoses, half of gonorrhea diagnoses, and over 80% show no symptoms, and then would have had no repercussions of any kind after he cheated on me and AGAIN exposed me, nonconsensually, to yet again MORE STD’s, we make women ashamed for calling it out. THOSE men don’t even have to get tested. They can literally be prescribed the pill because you tested positive (which is a good thing, healthcare wise), without ever visiting the doctor or receiving their own formal positive test or sexual education. The burden and responsibility falls and remains on those, the few, who are already responsible instead of creating a more responsible society.
We make it difficult, if not impossible, for women to trust men.
At this rate, YES, I am ALL FOR agreeing to a set amount or fee for dating, sexual acts with appropriate testing, a legal system that will support me should I (and the terms of our contract) be violated, ALL FOR THIS. I’d honestly feel safer dating if I wasn’t constantly worried about being yelled at for not being more emotionally invested, if somebody was accountable for my location and company, if I could perform background checks on these STRANGERS, if friendliness wasn’t so uncommon it might be misconstrued as “interest”.
YES, YOU CAN DATE ME FOR MONEY YOU JUST MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD ME. SLIDE IN THOSE DM’S. PAY MY BILLS. JUST RECOGNIZE MY RIGHT AS A GOD DAMN AMERICAN TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE, AT ANY TIME, FOR ANY REASON.
Isn’t that what you conservatives fight to defend, so much?
That moment in Holes when Sigourney Weaver’s fucking BEAUTY of the character “The Warden” in a childhood flashback comes on, and that little girl drops her shovel, stomps her foot, and is all, “I’m tired of digging! Grandpa!” Well, I am fucking tired of working and existing for the collective societal benefit of seemingly everyone other than myself and not be paid for it. I am tired of my body being used and appreciated by everybody else, but the second I recognize its worth and appreciate it myself, veiled comments on needing to be “humbled” emerge from the bitter dredges of jealousy.
In the only “high income” country that does not require paid parental leave, we essentially punish women (and families) for the choice to have kids yet also demand a working class supply of labor to exploit instead of the goal being less labor and better working hours for all.
In a country simultaneously enacting legislation that prevents widespread access to birth control, comprehensive sexual education, and allows these decisions to be made for human beings without their consent, based on religious affiliation they do not agree to, partake in, or actually understand or believe in, what the FUCK happened to “separation of church and state”?
In a country where the wealthiest, those involved in making said very legislation, have been proven time and time again to be involved in rape trafficking, or can hop on their private flights and access legal sexwork elsewhere (including with children)–why would we allow them to be the morality police?
In a country where law enforcement agrees to “look the other way” as long as they are allowed to partake in the sexwork, which is effectively sexual coercion. (Approximately 34 states still allow law enforcement to have sexual relations with detainees.) And a WOMAN , a judge CURRENTLY SITTING ON THE SUPREME COURT, ruled that a city was not liable for damages to a raped teenage prisoner because “rape wasn’t in the official job description” for the guard–do we have to specifically outline this as disallowed in employment contracts moving forward?
In a country that ranks 49TH of 142 applicable countries in gender equality (based on the World Economic Forum’s Gender Gap Index) yet continues to devalue local community positions, punishes people who seek higher or better education through the ever-increasing cost of PUBLIC education and student loans (making it nearly impossible for those to return to the communities they left), and makes being a shitty person more profitable because “health” is undermined in every level under capitalism.
In a country where over 1 in every 4 women is raped (or attempted), where the norm is sexual violence and harassement, who the fuck are we protecting by keeping sexwork illegal? Surely not the thousands of children rape trafficked through the foster care network?
In a country whose DECREPIT HEALTHCARE SYSTEM and refusal to just fucking MOVE TO UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE has us ranked LAST of the “industrialized” nations for healthcare system performance, yet healthcare workers themselves have to worry about their salaries being depleted (instead of companies involved in tobacco or alcohol having to pay more corporate tax) and stupid fucking white GOP dick suckers on the internet insist that “America is the best country in the world” without recognizing that “the America’s” is TWO CONTINENTS. “America” isn’t even a fucking country. Claiming only US citizens are “american” is ignorance at its FINEST.
In a country where that very same healthcare system is allowed to prey on the insecurity of largely women, via plastic surgery and medical spas, overlapping with the beauty industry, without requiring mental health evaluations or access to mental health services of any kind or asking why so many women, including teenagers, are allowed to make life altering procedural decisions, all while not ensuring they have access to actual healthcare, nutrition and affordable healthy food options, safe recreational areas.
What the FUCK are we doing keeping sex work illegal?
Who the fuck are you protecting?
Just a reminder, this episode is for the Red River Women’s Clinic, if you’d like to donate you can access it here: http://www.redriverwomensclinic.com. Thank you all for the support, reading, listening and interest. My main marketing is through word-of-mouth, so I really appreciate anyone sharing it, publicly or privately. You can follow me on instagram @zedagrace, especially if you like functional fitness and what I can only describe as the “soul cycle” of yoga. Movement is medicine. Have a wonderful week.
SOURCES:
https://nces.ed.gov/programs/coe/indicator/clr
https://nypost.com/2021/06/03/texas-valedictorian-paxton-smith-slams-abortion-ban-in-speech/
https://www.the-sun.com/lifestyle/1471708/suicide-death-prison-porn-stars/
https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/death-of-a-porn-star-201939/