I write this with the pessimistic swaddling of Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” enshrouding me in its sorrow while I watch the sunset across the farm and wonder if life is just going to be wondering if this is all there is and whether it’ll ever feel like “enough” to just be “happy”, when I’m aware of what goes on in the world.

I got to visit the bat houses in Gainesville and soak in the shared love of an epidemiology friend’s presence recently, who just separated herself from a long term relationship-turned-friendship, and I wanted to share a few sentiments we covered:

• Those of us who have blocked out years of childhood abuse, or familial memories, have been able to access therapy or have spent hours of free time running in contemplation, good for you.
  I’m glad I’m not the only fierce science gal who was accused of “emotional manipulation” from the very source they learned it from.
  
• Men are arguably another species. Whether they will ever make their intentions clear, unmistakeable, nonsecretive, who knows. Just remind yourself that solo cat ladies tend to live wonderfully great qualities of life and queer and homosexual traits potentially arise to offer care from (typically) nonreproductive members of a species when the reproductive members are providing the babies/offspring/future generations with less than quality care.
  Happy pride month.
  
• Humanity is the only primate known to abuse its offspring to the point of less viable reproductive futures. The study of everything revolves around our concept for “normalcy” or “standard” behavior. Some “reference”.
  
  How dare we condemn other country’s and culture’s behavior, because of the “more” atrociously grotesque human rights violations, while simultaneously dismissing those within our own borders.

Without further adieu, I’ll go into my reconstruction of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Pretty sure I watched the extended cut on HBO Max. For the record, one of my absolute favorite movie and book series of all time, though I was a bit young for the language of the books when the movies with Elijah Woods first came out. (AKA: I watched the movies first and only read the books later.) As a horse gal, there weren’t many movies that utilize horses, and LOTR obviously included a ton, so I naturally loved it. Sue me. 

Galadriel opens up the narrative with the backstory on the one ring to rule them all and forewarning us that “the race of men…who above all else…desire power.”

Ya no fucking shit. Look at literally any guy in a fraternity getting cut off, kicked out of a bar, questioned at the door, turned down by a girl. They take everything like a personal attack and those of us who never doubted our places as peasants just get annoyed because all you’re doing is making everyone else’s lives shittier. 

Anyways, a last alliance of men and elves “fought for the freedom of middle earth”. Isildor, the son of a king, took up his fallen daddy’s sword at the very moment hope was seemingly lost and like the good buzzer beater moment that I’ve been on both the giving and receiving end of as a Tar Heel fan, Sauron’s wedding ring got cut off and he was defeated.

All I’m saying is if my next boyfriend doesn’t dress up as all of the villains in these movies and try to “defeat” me, we’re not fucking.

In a move that doesn’t surprise any woman ever, the “hearts of men are easily corrupted” and “history became legend. Legend became myth.” and the National Treasure style plot of medieval witchy conspiracy theories on power and quests and the history of mankind began.

Bilbo is the first hobbit we’re introduced to–noted as “the most unlikely creature of all” (which you would ONLY use to describe what will turn out to be the most notable creature of all), human “esque”, a “little weird”–so basically he is the black sheep of every southern family who wants to live peacefully away from everybody but knows far too much. Hobbits, in general, are described as “of little importance” except for their love of food, ale, and pipeweed and thus, the natural disposition for US citizens everywhere to see themselves represented amongst the mole people of the Shire. 

Gandalf, the wizard, is naturally a “disturber of peace”.

It’s almost like being “interesting” and “mythically wacky” is a universal negative. “Difficult”. Thank goodness we’re in the age of Wicked. Maleficent. Cruella. Harley Quinn. Backstories do a gal some good.

Shout out to my best friend, who was not allowed to watch Harry Potter until her 18th birthday (because of witchcraft) but was allowed to hang out with me. 

Frodo is the orphaned hobbit who deserves everything Bilbo can possibly give him. The farm people, true to form, explain how “it is never our concern what goes on beyond our borders” which is rural people to a Tee. Everyone’s a bit rough around the edges. An alcoholic. Got a temper. 

The ring, which I’ve alluded to in episodes past, specifically to reference the act of giving head, performing “fellatio”, sucking dick, whatever you wanna call it, “always yearns to return to its master” and I’ve also read 50 Shades of Grey… they’re NOT wrong.

That analogy holds even for my allusion.

And as we see Margot Robbie pout in Birds of Prey,
“a harlequin is nothing without her master.”

This rhetoric is followed by Gollum being tortured in bondage gear which really frames the BDSM context.

Frodo gets that distorted hyperfocus of ominous foreshadowing, clamors to “get off the road”, and we get the dementor sensation of the black riders, symbolizing death through how the worms emerged from the soil, awakened in its presence. 

After Sam, Frodo, Pippin, and Merry successfully make it to The Prancing Pony, Pippin of course is running his little mouth, despite KNOWING what is after him, and Aragorn enters the realm. 

Aragorn, arguably the prime example of non-toxic masculinity in 2021, asks Frodo “are you frightened?” UGH. SO HOT. Legalize sexwork so I can have a fellowship of Aragorn and Legolas take me in the forest of Lothlorien. Then Viggo Mortensen follows it up with “not nearly frightened enough?” DADDY. Fucking amazing. 

Aragorn explains about the black riders, or Nazgûl, in depth–how they were men dominated by greed and now live a life of limbo in darkness. The 4 plus Aragorn then go on their lil journey to the elves and we see a recurring theme in M & P (Merry & Pippin’s) concern for food, as well as what little bitch boys they are crying about wading through a little bit of swampy water and mud with bug bites. Get these hobbits to Vietnam. Or trekking whatever bus routes our grandparents supposedly took to get to school. 

This entire section of the plot just reminds me of the movie “Role Models”, which, as someone who has gone larping exactly 1 time, I’m just gonna say ya’ll are missing out. I bet series like this are fun as fuck to film and anyone with a penis is arguably obsessed with any “Sword” symbolism so don’t act like you’re “above” medieval lore. 

Liv Tyler enters the scene, reminding us that, as great of a man as Aragorn may be, he is starstruck in wonder by women, the “ranger caught off his guard” that he is.

Here’s my episode reminder that our societal disdain for sexwork is related to the way sexuality has coercively been used in warfare to gain intelligence. 

The ringwraiths look like the fucking mighty ducks chasing her stoically white horse up in this bitch, and jumping over ONE cross country log isn’t going to impress me. I used to do eventing schooling all over the Northeastern USA on my 12.2 hand pony. 

Now also seems like a FANTASTIC time to remind everyone that LOTR wouldn’t exist without the fucking women because Arwen saved the day.

She does that whole “what grace has given me, let it pass to him” spiritual praying and he recovers from his coma.

A gradual theme of men being weak emerges.

The race of men are scattered, with only one hope to unite them (a white man, of course).

Frodo complains about the “burden he should never have had to bear” but as an orphan with a pretty nice inheritance, I mean… ya eventually you were gonna have to do some work?? Not sure what you expected there, buddy.

Boromir is boyishly fascinated by the “blade that cut the ring”, whereas Aragorn is respectfully mindful (setting the scene for parallels in their behavior later.)

Arwen’s witchy elvish ass comes back out to warn Aragorn about not being bound to Isildor’s fate, about him facing the same evil, but choosing a different route, about meeting him and Aragorn “thinking he had strayed into a dream.” (Beyonce’s “Sweet Dreams” where she speaks on the man being either a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare came into my head–take that as you will… I think I’M more of the “Halsey” “No sweet dream but I’m a hell of a night” type of gal, myself.) Arwen chooses to share one lifetime with Aragorn rather than face all of the ages of life alone and just fucking spare me. I am tired of the love stories. I am tired of men in general thinking keeping something your “dirty little secret” is our goal? LOL. NO.

Also, Boromir asks them to USE THE RING, to GIVE IT TO GONDOR, and then they STILL let him tag along on this little fellowship quest? RED FLAG.

What the fuck are you? A bull? CHARGING THOSE FLAGS DOWN LIKE IT’S YOUR JOB?
The fellowship just set themselves up for this. 

We finally get Orlando Bloom as Legolas’ fine ass on screen and all I have to say is if he was your favorite character, you are bisexual. Heteroflexibility should be the default anyways.

Also Tom Hardy, who is arguably the hottest man in Hollywood to me, is notoriously open about his sexual fluidity. Can we stop acting like this behavior is novel to celebrity culture and Hollywood only and recognize that queer folk are in your normal communities? 

Gimli, of course, has to throw off the fellowship talk with the firm “I would die before I see the ring in the hands of an elf” talk and the racial themes and eugenics tones get highlighted. 

M&P remark on “needing people of intelligence on this quest” and the creation of the fellowship is only what I can describe as the beginner of any Survivor series, or the Bachelor or Bachelorette, where the entirety of the cast is introduced, and you can just TELL who is going to go home first. This is how you can tell I wasn’t in charge of sending these creatures off to slaughter in the framework of its pages.

Gandalf sits on those rocks, reminding me of the mountains I scaled in Arizona, and the flights of birds, “spies of Saruman”–seems like a great time to reiterate that American crows can recognize and remember human faces, hold grudges, and pass on whatever epigenetic alteration that grudge solidified to its offspring.

Boromir keeps making little cuntish remarks and only men can ignore that many red flags for behavior and excuse it under “friendship”. 

Saruman calling upon his spirits and energy forces reminds me a little bit of myself doing yoga, and I’m gonna have to start channeling this energy in the future. I already wanted to make “cloaks” and willowy silhouettes my next aesthetic, seems a logical leap. 

The fellowship encounters that squid like creature and I’m sure there’s been a ton of rule 34 tentacle porn commissioned out there. I’ll paint a gigantic portrait with my 4’ canvases. Hire me to do it. There is literally nothing I would rather spend my time doing.

I’m actually excessively annoyed the “Strider” in my life won’t just ask me to move in with him so I can spend my days planting a garden of creepy or eerily cool plants in his retro home already, but my friend Citroni says I’m being “unrealistic” expecting that and “crazy”.

I never gave a damn about society’s norms before, and I know I’d be happy.
Sue me. But fiiiine. I’ll be “patient”.

Back to the subject of giant squids–have ya’ll realized what kind of shit is in our ocean? (Apart from gallons of hazardous waste and pollution.) The deep sea is TERRIFYING. Blue whales are the largest mammals on the planet and we can’t even track their migration or reproductive cycles because they dive beyond depths our instruments can comprehend. 

We then hear all the tragic overlays of Bilbo saying he “wished the ring had never come to him” and I wish this patriarchal world wasn’t lacking such progressive reform, but unfortunately this is the nature of the world we live in.

Existence is pain. Mr. Meseeks had it right. 

Gimli laments over the deaths of all the graves of the dwarves in Moria and naturally, one half of M&P knocks something over, royally fucking over the party and the “drums from the deep” can be heard as orcs attack. I wondered if this was the same animation used for the troll in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, because the goblin orc creature who stabs Frodo looks very similar to the troll that went after Hermione in the bathroom. Technology that isn’t developed for the military is often developed for private industry, but particularly the entertainment industry, and works like James Cameron’s Avatar had equipment designed to allow the imaginations of the film creators to be fulfilled. Truly fascinating development in innovation.

Creation for the love of art, rather than destruction.

Right as I’m admiring how busy the costume designers and makeup teams must have been, between all of the orcs, elves, hobbits, whoever,

Legolas once more graces our screens and everything else fades as I’m reminded that we get to exist in the same timeline as Orlando Bloom as Legolas.
Whatever kind of doom awaits us in the future, this should be enough for now.

The bridges and staircases that collapse around the fellowship is exactly why I don’t fuck with infrastructure or construction.

Aragorn once again turns us all on with the turn of his cloak and the pivoting of his booted heels as they try to escape.

Gandalf has his big moment. The balrog cracking that whip like the guy from iron man with those electric whip thingies for arms. 

We learn that orcs are numerous, but fucking horrible at archery because they miss every shot at Aragorn’s plot armour. They really should’ve practiced–how are you THAT bad at aiming? 

A terrible tragedy, Gandalf’s disappearance, but I could watch Viggo Mortensen jump across puddles all day long. They can’t waste time mourning his assumed death, for the “elf witch”, a “great sorceress of terrible power” awaits them in Lothlorien.

What do I have to say about these elves? Every single one of them could fuck me.

Legalize sex work. Imagine a LOTR style brothel? The Witcher? Game of Thrones?

Goddammit my next boyfriend does not deserve me and my multiple personalities.

All I want is to live my days in the sunshine, cultivating a garden around beautiful trees like that. A little witchy sorceress.

I had a previous aversion to beaded gowns because of the association with weddings, but what I’m getting from the elves is that every day is a special occasion.
Wear the fucking dress.

Galadriel is just the LOTR version of Professor Trelawney, for what it’s worth.
Her beautiful mystique and prophecies? 

Her little speech to Frodo about “even the smallest person could change the course of the future?” Ugh if I was in marketing, I’d have commercials for using reusable grocery bags, metal straws, refillable water bottles overlaid with that quote. Galadriel walked so Greta Thundberg could run. 

Hmm. Not sure how I feel about the handprints on these orcs. Are these supposed to be digs at Native Americans? Or indigenous “savages” that white European colonialists brought nothing but destruction and famine to? Am I about to hate this movie because I just recognized that? 

Galadriel is who I want to be. An ethereal witchy elf of the woods. She mysteriously appears and magically bestows gifts upon others. She seemingly knows all about their mysterious quests and thinks generationally. 

I want Legolas to look at me like he looks at that bow.

Hell, I want anyone to look at me like Legolas looks at that bow.

(JK, not “anyone” but men whose affection I appreciate, sure.)

I like how Gimli asked Galadriel for a single blonde hair from her head and she gave him 3. What a move. This is like one of my little sixth graders who stood behind me and would hover his hand over my hair, because he’d “never seen hair like it before”. (It was a very awkward phone call to his mother to discuss his behavior.)

Also, I don’t know why Gimli was complaining. He CLEARLY knew what kind of journey he was signing up for if he’s listing all of the horrors. He’s just doing this to scare the hobbits which is never good, though I’m not advocating for continued naivety. 

Kinda sus how Boromir just time and time again ignores the concept of “no”. Now I understand why men on the internet deemed him “relatable”. OOOOkay.

And Frodo being scared of Aragorn because of the trauma with Boromir?
RELATABLE. Put it in a way that men can fucking understand. 

I can never separate M&P (or which one is which), but I love being reminded of the “not penny’s boat” guy from LOST. What a show. It actually made way more sense years later when I binge watched it, because there wasn’t as much time between episodes and the questions got answered in shorter duration (without creating just as many, if not more). 

The orcs storming this lil wooded area kinda reminds me of that insurrection at the Capitol.

Someone wanna tell me why the fuck Donald Trump is giving speeches or leisurely relaxing in his mansion instead of being “handled” by Huck or any other member of B-613 in Shonda Rhimes’ Scandal? Was it not normal for everyone to think their biological father reminded them of Olivia Pope’s? Just me? Cool. 

Am I supposed to be “sad” about Boromir’s death, though? Why? This dude fucking sucked. Death was literally the only noble move he could’ve had left and sacrificing himself was redemption. This is how recruiters treat potential enlistments for our military. The trick is to get them to not fear death so much that they avoid it, but rather to charge it down, head on, and know the only way is “through”. 

“Frodo’s fate is no longer in our hands.” Lol. okay? Men are idiots. 

To sum it up, watching The Fellowship of the Ring high was great. I need to start paying attention to the shows I watch instead of brainstorming abstract foreign policy or recalling random warfare strategy for “fun”.

This should 100% be considered foreplay for my next relationship, because it definitely turned me on.

“All you have to decide is what to do with the time that’s given to you” and time is relative, so figure out a perception you like and make that bitch surreal.